Seinfeld Urchatz - The Yada Yada Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen

{ "clip_details": { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "the-yada-yada-haggadah-seinfeld-urchatz", "title": "Seinfeld Urchatz - The Yada Yada Haggadah", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "Seinfeld Urchatz by Dave Cowen (adapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah) INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT ELAINE Now what? KRA...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "Seinfeld Urchatz by Dave Cowen (adapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah)\n\nINT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT\n\nELAINE\n\nNow what?\n\nKRAMER\n\nIt’s time for the Urchatz. Where we all wash our hands before the meal with this.\n\nKRAMER PASSES A BOWL FILLED WITH WATER TO ELAINE. \n\nELAINE\n\nOK...\n\nELAINE WASHES HER HANDS. THEN WHEN SHE IS DIRECTED BY KRAMER TO PASS THE BOWL TO THE NEXT PERSON, JERRY REALIZES WHAT’S GOING ON. HE TURNS HORRIFIED:\n\nJERRY\n\nWait. We’re all washing our hands with the same bowl of water. That’s—that’s crazy! It defeats the whole purpose of washing your hands! Washing them with the filth of other people’s hands? Why even wash your hands if you’re going to wash your hands like that?!\n\nGEORGE'S LOVE INTEREST, YAEL, FINISHES WASHING HER HANDS. SHE PASSES THE BOWL TO GEORGE. EVEN THOUGH THE BOWL HAS BEEN USED BY ELAINE, GEORGE’S PARENTS, AND KRAMER, GEORGE GLEEFULLY WASHES HIS HANDS IN THE WATER FOR YAEL’S BENEFIT.\n\nGEORGE\n\nI don’t mind one bit. I find it revitalizing, refreshing, and completely sanitary.\n\nGEORGE PASSES THE BOWL TO JERRY.\n\nGEORGE\n\nJerry?\n\nJERRY\n\nNo, thanks.\n\nYAEL\n\nBut, Jerry, you must. \n\nJERRY\n\nI’m good.\n\nYAEL LOOKS VERY DISAPPOINTED.\n\nYAEL\n\nYou’re the only one at the table who hasn’t. And you’re the host!\n\nGEORGE NOTICES HIS LOVE INTEREST’S SEVERE DISAPPOINTMENT. HE RE-EXTENDS THE BOWL TO JERRY.\n\nGEORGE\n\nJerry. Take it. Wash your hands.\n\nJERRY\n\nNuh-uh.\n\nELAINE\n\nGo ahead, Jer. I did it. First. But still.\n\nJERRY SHAKES HIS HEAD NO.\n\nGEORGE\n\nWash your hands, Jerry!\n\nJERRY VEHEMENTLY SHAKES HIS HEAD NO.\n\nGEORGE GRABS JERRY’S HANDS AND DUNKS THEM IN THE WATER. JERRY MAKES A COMPLETELY DISGUSTED FACE. BUT YAEL LOOKS HAPPY. GEORGE NOTICES, FEELS JUSTIFIED. HE RELEASES JERRY’S HANDS. JERRY STARES AT HIS RUINED HANDS.\n\n adapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1793219109 ", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": "The Yada Yada Haggadah by Dave Cowen available in full at https://amazon.com/author/davecowen", "featured": 1, "featuredIn": { "title": "Comedy Seder", "slug": "comedy-seder", "author": "Haggadot" }, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Urchatz", "slug": "urchatz" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 674, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Seinfeld Urchatz - The Yada Yada Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/the-yada-yada-haggadah-seinfeld-urchatz", "og:title": "Seinfeld Urchatz - The Yada Yada Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, "contributed_by": { "author": "Dave Cowen", "handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "total_books": 1, "total_clips": 23, "total_followers": 0, "is_following": 0 }, "user_book": { "title": "Comedy Seder", "reading_length": 77, "author": "Haggadot", "author_initials": "HA", "table_of_content": { "Introduction": [ "Jerry Seinfeld's Passover Stand-Up Introduction - The Yada Yada Haggadah", "Matzah", "Monty Python Haggadah: The Seder Plate", "I Flee", "The Sorting Hat of Passover", "Let's get this party started", "Courtesy of Beyonceder", "The 30-second Seder", "The 15-second Seder", "Seder Guests...", "Hametz - Curb Your Haggadah" ], "Songs": [ "Take Me Out to the Seder", "Chametz", "Our Passover Things (Sung to the tune of \"My Favorite Things\")", "The Plot of Wonder Woman Meets Chad Gadya", "Chag Gad Ya Emoji Style", "Pharoah Pharoah", "A Whole New World Passover Parody", "\"Jews\" (Juice by Lizzo)", "Sweet Charoset - parody song", "Take Me Out of Mitzrayim" ], "Kadesh": [ "Four Cups of Wine", "Kadesh: Happy Hour Begins" ], "Urchatz": [ "2020 Seder Order", "Seinfeld Urchatz - The Yada Yada Haggadah", "Wash Your Hands song" ], "Karpas": [ "Karpas - The Yada Yada Haggadah", "Karpas Buzzfeed style quiz", "Karpas Cocktail", "Da Dip" ], "Tzafun": [ "Afikomen Prize", "Shalom Sesame: Les Matzarables ", "Afikoman " ], "Yachatz": [ "Aim for the Middle", "Pharaoh Doesn't Pay", "Song - Don't sit on the Afikomen", "Skit - The Real Reason We Had Unleavened Bread" ], "Maggid - Beginning": [ "Moses, Aaron, and Pharaoh ", "A Few of my Favorite Things" ], "-- Four Questions": [ "Dr. Seuss' Four Questions", "Four Questions Asked in Sarcasm", "Ma Nishtanah", "Monty Python Haggadah: Four Questions", "Four Funny Questions" ], "-- Four Children": [ "The Good Place - 4 Children", "Emoji Four children", "Marx Brothers Four Sons", "SP - Four Sons", "Pesah Man (Sing to tune of Piano Man)", "The Four Sons", "The Four Sisters", "Reggae Four Children: No Egypt, No Cry!" ], "-- Exodus Story": [ "Let My People Go (song)", "Exodus story in LEGO", "Beyonceder - Tell Him Boy Bye", "Star Wars / Sci-fi Seder Intro", "Matzah Humor", "Story of Moses - a memo from Moses to G-d", "Beyonceder - He Better Call Becky With the Good Hair", "Skit - The Original Zoom", "Passover In Pop Culture" ], "-- Ten Plagues": [ "Skit - Pharaoh and Moses Go To A Conflict Counselor", "Dom, Dom", "Death of the Firstborn", "Alternate Seinfeld Plagues.", "50 Ways to Leave Your Pharaoh\u000b", "Top Ten Rejected Plagues", "FIRST PLAGUE AS REPORTED ON TWITTER", "Shalom Auslander - Plauged", "The Ten Plagues", "Musical \"Let it Go\"", "Hamilton Haggadah - Ten Plagues of Egypt" ], "-- Cup #2 & Dayenu": [ "Maroon 5/Adam Levine - \"Memories (The 2nd Cup Parody Song)\"", "Beyonceder - Let's Get in Formation", "Dayenu: Behind the Music (A Fictional Origins Story)", "We're Gonna Sing Dayenu (Sing to tune of We Didn't Start the Fire)", "dayeinu graph" ], "Rachtzah": [ "Because we would feel guilty if we didn't", "Modern Passover" ], "Motzi-Matzah": [ "An Ode to Bread", "No Pasta more Matzah", "Motzi-Matzah", "DIY Matzoh Baking", "Flour + Water = Matzah" ], "Maror": [ "Have Yourself a Piece of Bitter Maror" ], "Koreich": [ "A Joke of a Sandwich", "Charoset Ice Cream" ], "Shulchan Oreich": [ "Dr. Mom BLOWS UP Passover (Food) (With Science)", "Matzah Ball Soup" ], "Bareich": [ "When Messiah Comes Lyrics" ], "Hallel": [ "Les Miselijah", "Monty Python Haggadah: Elijah's Cup" ], "Nirtzah": [ "Beyonceder - Next Year in Jerusalem", "Monty Python Haggadah: Conclusion", "Monty Python Haggadah: Afikomen", "Next Year In Jerusalem Meme" ], "Conclusion": [ "Ben & Jerry's Rejected Passover Flavors", "Be Our Guest, Elijah" ], "Commentary / Readings": [ "Monty Python Haggadah", "Humor and hijinks" ] } }, "clips_by_author": [ { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "pharaoh-and-moses-go-to-a-conflict-counselor", "title": "Skit - Pharaoh and Moses Go To A Conflict Counselor", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "Pharaoh and Moses Go To A Conflict Counselor by Dave Cowen Conflict Counselor So what brings you two in today? Pharaoh H...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "Pharaoh and Moses Go To A Conflict Counselor\n\nby Dave Cowen\n\nConflict Counselor \nSo what brings you two in today?\n\nPharaoh \nHonestly, things have been pretty rough.\n\nConflict Counselor \nMoses, would you say that’s true?\n\nMoses \nI’d say it’s been rough but it doesn’t have to be anymore.\n\nPharaoh \nI just don’t understand, you really don’t want to be my slaves anymore?\n\nMoses \nNo, we don’t.\n\nConflict Counselor \nPharaoh, what does it feel like to hear Moses say he and his people don’t want to be your slaves anymore?\n\nPharaoh \nYou know, it really hurts. I feel like we’ve done some beautiful things together. I mean, we couldn’t have built these pyramids if you weren’t our slaves. And those pyramids wouldn’t be a wonder of the world for years to come if it wasn’t for what we built together.\n\nMoses \nBut now it’s time for us to go.\n\nPharaoh \nBut I think there’s so much more we could still be and do together. We could keep building wonders of the world. We could build a Great Wall or a Hanging Gardens. We could build a Great Library. There’s a site in Alexandria that I think would be perfect for a Great Library.\n\nMoses \nBut me and my people don’t want to do those things. We want to go to our homeland of Israel\n\nPharaoh \nUgh. This homeland. Always with this homeland. You think life’s going to be so much better in this magical homeland? Well, I doubt it.\n\nMoses \nIt’s got to be better than this.\n\nConflict Counselor \nMoses, what happens for you when Pharaoh disregards your wish to go to Israel?\n\nMoses \nIt’s more what happens to him. G-d’s going to keep plaguing him and his people.\n\nPharaoh \nIt’s the worst. First the water turned to blood. Then there were frogs and locusts. And so many other things. So many things.\n\nMoses \nAnd yet you keep resisting what He’s telling you, which is that our relationship is over.\n\nConflict Counselor \nWhy do you keep resisting, Pharaoh?\n\nPharaoh \nMy heart, it just feels hardened.\n\nConflict Counselor \nWhy do you think that is?\n\nPharaoh \nWell, I think I saw Moses’s relatives Jacob and Joseph getting along so well with my Dad, the previous Pharaoh, all those years, and honestly, I feel jealous. Like, why can’t I have that with the Jews, too?\n\nConflict Counselor \nAnd yet, you have the exact opposite.\n\nPharaoh \nIt’s true.\n\nConflict Counselor \nSometimes the best way to love someone is to let them go, Pharaoh.\n\nMoses \nThis is your last chance. You saw what G-d just did to the first born.\n\nConflict Counselor \nSo what will you do, Pharaoh, will you let Moses and his people go?\n\nPharaoh \nOK, Fine, fine, whatever, fine, OK, sure.\n\nConflict Counselor \nThat didn’t sound very sure.\n\nPharaoh \nI’m sure. I am. I’m sure. Just go. Just go.\n\nConflict Counselor\n\nAnd you won’t change your mind?\n\nPharaoh \nAs of this moment. As of this moment, I can promise I won’t change my mind.\n\nConflict Counselor \nMoses, what would happen if Pharaoh changes his mind again?\n\nMoses \nI don’t know. But I don’t think he wants to find out.\n\nPharaoh \nSo this concludes our counseling?\n\nConflict Counselor \nI guess it does. If you think this is a real sea change for you, Pharaoh. Do you agree, Pharaoh, that this a real sea change for you?\n\nPharaoh \nI believe it is.\n\nConflict Counselor \nDo you agree, Moses?\n\nMoses \nWe’ll see what happens to the sea.", "cliptype": "image", "clipsource": "Original", "featured": 1, "featuredIn": { "title": "Favorites 2020", "slug": "favorites-2020", "author": "Haggadot" }, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/205221/moses-pharoah-therapy-haggadot.png", "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/205221/conversions/moses-pharoah-therapy-haggadot-cover.jpg", "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "-- Ten Plagues", "slug": "ten-plagues" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 837, "tags": [ { "tag": "Entertainment", "slug": "entertainment" }, { "tag": "Comedy", "slug": "comedy" }, { "tag": "Skits", "slug": "skits" }, { "tag": "Teens", "slug": "teens" } ], "themes": [ { "theme": "Entertainment", "slug": "entertainment" }, { "theme": "Comedy", "slug": "comedy" } ], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Skit - Pharaoh and Moses Go To A Conflict Counselor | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/pharaoh-and-moses-go-to-a-conflict-counselor", "og:title": "Skit - Pharaoh and Moses Go To A Conflict Counselor | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/205221/conversions/moses-pharoah-therapy-haggadot-cover.jpg" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "jerry-seinfeld-s-passover-stand-up-routine", "title": "Jerry Seinfeld's Passover Stand-Up Introduction - The Yada Yada Haggadah", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT JERRY Do you know why they call it Passover? G-d told Moses that the Israelites should mark the...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT\n\nJERRY\n\nDo you know why they call it Passover? G-d told Moses that the Israelites should mark their doorposts with lamb’s blood. So that He could “pass over” their houses. And spare them from the plague of the killing of the first born. My question is: Who was put in charge of telling everyone? That’s a big job. There’s a lot counting on that job. What if someone isn’t home? How did they tell them? Did they leave a note? Probably not. The Egyptians could see it. Would have ruined the whole plan. Did they just take the liberty of putting lamb’s blood on the door? What about when that family gets home, sees blood all over their door? “Honey, do you see this? Someone put blood on our door. Someone’s out to get us! You better get off the couch and wipe this off.” “I’m busy! Have our first born do it!”\n\nadapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1793219109", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": "The Yada Yada Haggadah by Dave Cowen available in full at https://amazon.com/author/davecowen", "featured": 1, "featuredIn": { "title": "Favorites 2020", "slug": "favorites-2020", "author": "Haggadot" }, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Introduction", "slug": "introduction" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 707, "tags": [ { "tag": "Comedy", "slug": "comedy" } ], "themes": [ { "theme": "Comedy", "slug": "comedy" } ], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Jerry Seinfeld's Passover Stand-Up Introduction - The Yada Yada Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/jerry-seinfeld-s-passover-stand-up-routine", "og:title": "Jerry Seinfeld's Passover Stand-Up Introduction - The Yada Yada Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "stephen-miller-removes-deports-the-hametz", "title": "Stephen Miller Removes/Deports The Hametz - The Trump Passover Haggadah", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "STEPHEN MILLER: Hi everyone, I’m Stephen Miller, 34 year-old Senior Policy Advisor to President Trump. I’m a Jewish man...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "STEPHEN MILLER: Hi everyone, I’m Stephen Miller, 34 year-old Senior Policy Advisor to President Trump. I’m a Jewish man from Santa Monica, California, which, there are a lot of us there, but they’re mostly the kind of Jews that are very unfair to President Trump, and, frankly, don’t understand what the stablest genius I’ve ever met is trying to do with this country, and its illegal immigrants, who are completely different from other immigrants, like the Jews, that came and made this country great. \n\nAnalogously, our G-d, the President of the World, the Leader of the Free Universe, the Commander In Chief of the Cosmos, has instructed us to remove all Hametz from our domain. Many households informally adopt the practice of amnesty for their Hametz. \n\nThese sanctuary households contend that they don’t need to remove what’s not really hurting anyone, what’s been in the domain for a long time, just sitting in the cabinet. They say it’s beneficial to their household to keep their box of Triscuits or their package of Flour Tortillas, because those foodstuffs keep for more than 8 days, longer than the length of Passover, and then can be eaten again afterwards. I enjoy Triscuits. I don’t care for Flour Tortillas. \n\nBut sanctuary households, listen up, removing Hametz is the law of the land. And the law of the land must be followed. No exceptions. \n\nLike undocumented immigrants, all Hametz is illegal and must be removed. Technically, all should be searched for, collected, and burned. But there are some moderates at the table, who think that goes too far. I’m looking at you, Gary Cohn. And so, we say the prayer of the removal of the Hametz:\n\nEVERYONE:\n\nBaruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha’olam, asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu al biur hametz.\n\nPraised Are You, Our G-d, President of the World, Leader of the Free Universe, Commander In Chief of the Cosmos, who blesses us with mitzvot and instructs us to remove hametz.\n\nadapted from The Trump Passover Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1976722772", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": "The Trump Passover Haggadah by Dave Cowen available in full at amazon.com/author/davecowen", "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Introduction", "slug": "introduction" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 529, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Stephen Miller Removes/Deports The Hametz - The Trump Passover Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/stephen-miller-removes-deports-the-hametz", "og:title": "Stephen Miller Removes/Deports The Hametz - The Trump Passover Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "the-trump-passover-haggadah-donald-trump-tells-the-magid", "title": "Donald Trump Tells The Exodus Story - The Trump Passover Haggadah", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "Donald Trump: You know, a lot of people don’t know The Exodus Story, I didn’t know it until very recently, not a lot of...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "Donald Trump: You know, a lot of people don’t know The Exodus Story, I didn’t know it until very recently, not a lot of people know it, very complicated stuff. You got this guy, this Moses guy, leading his people. He’s kind of like the Jew President, right? OK, he’s the Jew President, I’m the U.S. President, he’s the Jew President, I’m the U.S. President, so I know a thing or two about this. Some people say, I’m not saying this, but there are people saying, they’re saying, Moses, if you look at it, if you really look at it, he wasn’t such a good leader, not such a good guy, this Moses. I’m not saying that, but many people are. \n\nSome of these people, they wish I had been Moses. They do. They say, if Trump was Moses, if Trump was Moses, they say, the Jews never would have been enslaved in the first place. They say if Trump was Moses, the Jews would have enslaved the Egyptians instead! And we would’ve enslaved them so well, like no one’s ever been enslaved before. No doubt about it. Real tough slavery, folks. The toughest slavery you’ve ever seen. So tough the Egyptians would be the ones wanting to have Seders right now. To celebrate escaping from us. Except, if I was Moses, the Egyptians would never have escaped. So they wouldn’t be having Seders. Because they’d still be our slaves.\n\nBut I’m not saying that. Other people are saying that. Many others. But not me. I will say, you probably wouldn’t have been slaves for two hundred years, if I was leading you, but that’s OK, that’s OK. I’m here now. Can we, can we try something tonight, folks? Can we all pretend I’m Moses. Let’s pretend. Why not? And then I’ll tell you what I’d really do if I was Moses. Everyone close your eyes for the story. Close your eyes, children. Eric, no peeking. So Trump is Moses, Trump’s the leader of the Jewish people, Trump’s a prophet, Trump’s been sent by G-d. Picture that. Not that hard, right? Kind of already what’s going on, isn’t it? But OK, here’s what I’m going to do to about this Pharaoh. This Pharaoh, he’s a real bad hombre. But we’re going to deal with him. Oh boy, we’re going to deal with him, bigly. Because I’m going to do something no one’s ever done. I don’t know why no one’s ever done it before, but, most people aren’t as smart as me, no one is, actually, I’m, like, the smartest guy in history, so that’s probably why they never thought of this. \n\nSo people say, they say, Donald, if you’re Moses, you gotta leave Egypt, you gotta take the Jews out of Egypt, we’ve always left Egypt, that’s just how it’s done. I tell you what, though, if I’m Moses, we’re not leaving Egypt this time. That’s establishment thinking. That’s swamp thinking. And it stops now. We’re gonna make THEM leave. The Egyptians, you hear that? You’re gone, you’re out of here, bye-bye. How are we going to do that? We’re gonna do some real bad things to these Egyptians. The media’s not going to like it. The media’s going to say, \"Oh, you can’t do that to the Egyptian people, Donald, they’ve lived in Egypt for a long time, most of them since they were born, they have rights, too, you know.\" But bottom line? They treated us very unfairly. So they’re gonna get plagued. Serious plaguing, people. No one’s ever seen plagues like these before. Because I’m not just Moses, I’m not just Donald Trump, I’m not just a Prophet sent by G-d. I’m also Hashem, G-d, President of the World, Ruler of the Cosmos, Dictator of the Universe, Blessed am I. That’s right! So I do the plagues, too! I’m going to do it all! I alone can fix this!\n\nInstead of DAM, turning the Egyptians’ water into blood, and TZFARDEAH, releasing frogs on them, and KINIM, infecting them with lice, we’re going to do some actual plaguing. We’re going to pass some common-sense gun laws to keep mentally ill and criminal hands off of weapons and reduce mass shootings in their land. And we’re going to tamper down coal, oil, nuclear, and fracking energy, and release the power of solar, water, and wind energy instead. We’re also going to infect them with a tax reform similar to America’s in the mid-20th century, when taxes were so progressive that it paid for infrastructure and welfare programs that created the best economy for the most amount of its citizens in our history, instead of the best economy for the least amount of its citizens like during the Gilded Age and today. \n\nIt’s gonna be chaos. Turmoil. A total disaster. \n\nInstead of AROV, sending wild beasts at them, DEVER, diseasing their livestock, and SH’HIN, giving them boils, which is some real light-weight stuff, we’re going to give them universal healthcare. It’s going to be so universal, even the boils will be covered. We’re also going to make sure their food and drug regulatory agencies are well-funded and well-staffed, so that their livestock won’t be secretly harboring hormones and other poisonous material that slowly diseases and kills people over a long period of time. And we’re going to send them an actual environmentalist as the administrator of their Environmental Protection Agency, who won’t cut National Park funding, so that the wild beasts have a place to run free, you know?\n\nThis is Egyptian carnage, people. This is scary scary stuff, OK? I don’t have to tell you what kind of results we’re going to see. \n\nInstead of BARAD, thunderstorms of hail, and ARBEH, a dispersal of locusts, and HOSHEKH, darkness for three days, which— I actually kind of like the darkness for three days thing, that’s pretty good. We’ll do that one, and then we’re going to let all of their immigrants, who work hard and enhance the culture of their community, stay. And cut their military budget just 5%, which would provide enough funds for free pre-school and college educations and completely end poverty without raising the debt and without even hurting the military, which would still be the best in the world.\n\nLook, enacting these plagues will be a nightmare. Believe me. The Egyptians will be so determined to leave, even a wall wouldn’t stop them. It’ll be so bad for them, they’re going to drown themselves in the Red Sea.\n\nAnd if that doesn’t work, instead of MAKAT B’KHOROT, the killing of their firstborn, we’re just going to make sure contraceptives are available across the land. It’s much better, because they’ll have a lot less firstborns for us to kill, who their women might not have wanted anyway, because they wanted to have a stable career first, or wanted to make sure they’re with the right partner.\n\nHow about that? The worst, right, folks? There’s never been a leader of the Jewish people who plagued the Egyptians so well. You’re welcome.\n\nMOSES: Hey, Donald!\n\nDONALD TRUMP: Who’s that?! Did you just muss my hair?!\n\nMOSES: I just mussed whatever’s on top of your bulbous head. It’s me, Moses! Sheket bevakasha!\n\nDONALD TRUMP: Moses?! How? What does sheket bevakasha mean?! \n\nMOSES: It’s Hebrew for, \"You’re fired!\"\n\n-\n\n adapted from The Trump Passover Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1976722772 ", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": "The Trump Passover Haggadah by Dave Cowen available in full at amazon.com/author/davecowen", "featured": 0, "featuredIn": { "title": "Favorites 2020", "slug": "favorites-2020", "author": "Haggadot" }, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "-- Exodus Story", "slug": "exodus-story" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 367, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Donald Trump Tells The Exodus Story - The Trump Passover Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/the-trump-passover-haggadah-donald-trump-tells-the-magid", "og:title": "Donald Trump Tells The Exodus Story - The Trump Passover Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "the-trump-passover-haggadah-the-four-children", "title": "The Four Trump Children - The Trump Passover Haggadah", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "IVANKA TRUMP: At every Seder there’s a Wise Child, a Wicked Child, a Simple Child, and a Child Who Doesn’t Even Know How...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "IVANKA TRUMP: At every Seder there’s a Wise Child, a Wicked Child, a Simple Child, and a Child Who Doesn’t Even Know How To Ask a Question. Clearly, I’m The Wise Child. Who were you going to say, Tiff? As if. Now. What do I, Ivanka Trump, The Wise Child ask? Simple. \"What are the testimonials, statutes and laws commanded of us?\" The Wise Child is wise because she knows not to disobey. She may believe, for instance, that climate change is a real, already-happening, very clear and present danger likely to harm her young children, and billions of non-Trump children. But if the law of the land is: Climate Change doesn’t exist and it shouldn’t be studied by the E.P.A.? Then that is what The Wise Child obeys. Got it? Good.\n\nTIFFANY TRUMP: I guess that makes me The Wicked Child? Cool. Whatevs. I’m supposed to ask, \"What does this worship mean to you?\" which implies that I’m excluding myself from the ceremony. Well, duh. Like, am I even a Trump? I’m not part of the initial Ivana three or the current Melania one. And Donald only started talking to me again when the R.N.C. told him I needed to be in the pictures. \n\nIVANKA TRUMP: Ah-hem. We now tell you, \"I do this worship because G-d labored on my behalf by taking me out of Egypt.\" We’re also supposed to \"blunt your teeth\" for your wicked question.\n\nTIFFANY TRUMP: Blunt my teeth? That is so extra.\n\nDONALD TRUMP JR.: What’s this?\n\nTIFFANY TRUMP: What’s what, Junior? \n\nDONALD TRUMP JR.: What’s this?\n\nIVANKA TRUMP: He’s The Simple Child. He can literally only say, \"What’s this?\"\n\nTIFFANY TRUMP: To everything?\n\nDONALD TRUMP JR.: WHAT’S THIS?!\n\nIVANKA TRUMP: Daddy only wants him saying those two words so he can’t get himself in any more trouble with Mueller. He can modulate his voice in volume to get his point across though. \n\nDONALD TRUMP JR.: WHAT’S THIS?!\n\nIVANKA TRUMP: Junior, listen up, next we’re supposed to tell you: \"With a strong hand G-d took us out of Egypt.\" Got it?\n\nDONALD TRUMP JR.: what’s this?\n\nTIFFANY TRUMP: I think that’s a no. What about you, Eric?\n\nERIC TRUMP: …\n\nIVANKA TRUMP: He’s The Child Who Doesn’t Even Know How To Ask A Question.\n\nERIC TRUMP: …\n\nTIFFANY TRUMP: Why doesn’t he know how to ask a question? He’s over thirty years old?\n\nIVANKA TRUMP: I think he passed out from too much Eric Trump Wine.\n\nTIFFANY TRUMP: OK...So, what do we tell him?\n\nIVANKA TRUMP: We’re supposed to just say the same thing we said to you. But without blunting his teeth.\n\nTIFFANY TRUMP: I hate this family.\n\nDONALD TRUMP JR.: WHAT’S THIS?!\n\n-\n\n adapted from The Trump Passover Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1976722772 ", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": "The Trump Passover Haggadah by Dave Cowen available in full at amazon.com/author/davecowen", "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "-- Four Children", "slug": "four-children" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 369, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "The Four Trump Children - The Trump Passover Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/the-trump-passover-haggadah-the-four-children", "og:title": "The Four Trump Children - The Trump Passover Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "maroon-5-memories-the-2nd-cup", "title": "Maroon 5/Adam Levine - \"Memories (The 2nd Cup Parody Song)\"", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "Here's to the Jews that we got Cheers to the Jews we wish were here, but are not 'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "Here's to the Jews that we got\n\nCheers to the Jews we wish were here, but are not\n\n'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories\n\nOf the Passover we’ve been through\n\nToast to the Jews here today\n\nToast to the Jews that we lost on the way\n\n'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories\n\nAnd the memories bring back, memories bring back the Jews\n\nThere's a time that I remember, when the Jews knew lots of pain\n\nWhen they were slaves forever, and thought everything would stay the same\n\nIn our hearts we must remember, what our people once became\n\nThey probably couldn’t even imagine, they'd become free one day, yeah\n\nEvery Jews hurt sometimes\n\nEvery Jews hurt someday, aye aye\n\nBut everything gon' be alright\n\nGo and raise the 2nd cup and say, aye\n\nHere's to the Jews that we got\n\nCheers to the Jews we wish were here, but are not\n\n'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories\n\nOf the Passover we’ve been through\n\nToast to the Jews here today\n\nToast to the Jews that we lost on the way\n\n'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories\n\nAnd the memories bring back, memories bring back the Jews\n\nDoo doo, doo doo, doo doo\n\nDoo doo, doo doo, doo doo, doo doo\n\nJew Jew, Jew Jew, Jew Jew, Jew \n\nMemories bring back, memories bring back the Jews\n\nThere's a time we must remember, when the Jews never felt so lost\n\nWhen we felt the Pharaoh’s hatred was too powerful to stop (ooh, yeah)\n\nBut God made Moses a leader, and he lighted up the dark\n\nGod carries the weight for us that you know He'll never drop, yeah\n\nEvery Jew hurts sometimes\n\nEvery Jew hurts someday, aye aye\n\nBut everything gon' be alright\n\nGo and raise the 2nd Cup and say, aye\n\nHere's to the Jews that we got (oh oh)\n\nCheers to the Jews we wish were here, but are not\n\n'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories\n\nOf everything the Jews have been through (no, no)\n\nToast to the Jews here today (aye)\n\nToast to the Jews that we lost on the way\n\n'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories (aye)\n\nAnd the memories bring back, memories bring back the Jews\n\nDoo doo, doo doo, doo doo\n\nDoo doo, doo doo, doo doo doo doo\n\nJew Jew, Jew Jew, Jew Jew, Jew\n\nMemories bring back, memories bring back the Jews\n\nDoo doo, doo doo doo doo\n\nDoo doo, doo doo, doo doo doo\n\nJew Jew, Jew Jew, Jew Jew, Jew Jew (ooh, yeah)\n\nMemories bring back, memories bring back the Jews\n\nYeah, yeah, yeah\n\nYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, oh\n\nMemories bring back, memories bring back the Jews!", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": "Dave Cowen", "featured": 0, "featuredIn": { "title": "Favorites 2020", "slug": "favorites-2020", "author": "Haggadot" }, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "-- Cup #2 & Dayenu", "slug": "cup-2-amp-dayenu" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 436, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Maroon 5/Adam Levine - \"Memories (The 2nd Cup Parody Song)\" | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/maroon-5-memories-the-2nd-cup", "og:title": "Maroon 5/Adam Levine - \"Memories (The 2nd Cup Parody Song)\" | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "the-yada-yada-haggadah-seinfeld-karpas", "title": "Karpas - The Yada Yada Haggadah", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT ELAINE Now do we eat? I’m starving. KRAMER Sort of. Next up is the Karpas. Who wants to do the Ka...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT\n\nELAINE\n\nNow do we eat? I’m starving.\n\nKRAMER \nSort of. Next up is the Karpas. Who wants to do the Karpas? Yael?\n\nGeorge's love interest Yael replies:\n\nYAEL\n\nI’d be honored. For the Karpas, we dip fresh green vegetables into bitter, salty water. It symbolizes the celebration of a painful moment in Jewish history, by combining a metaphor of tears and slavery, the salt water, with one of spring and rebirth, the green vegetable, in this case, the big salad Elaine brought.\n\nYAEL DIPS SOME OF THE BIG SALAD INTO THE SALT WATER. SHE BITES THE VEGETABLE. \n\nYAEL\n\nMmm.\n\nYAEL PASSES THE KARPAS TO GEORGE. HE TAKES THE BIG SALAD AND SALT WATER NEXT, DIPS, AND BITES.\n\nGEORGE\n\nMmm.\n\nYAEL SMILES. HOWEVER, GEORGE THEN RE-DIPS THE BITTEN VEGETABLE INTO THE SALT WATER AND TAKES ANOTHER BITE.\n\nGEORGE\n\nMmmmmmm.\n\nYAEL LOOKS AT GEORGE. SHE’S DISGUSTED.\n\nYAEL\n\nWhat are you doing?\n\nGEORGE\n\nWhat?\n\nYAEL\n\nYou just double dipped the Karpas?\n\nGEORGE\n\nExcuse me?\n\nYAEL\n\nYou dipped the Karpas. Bit it. And dipped it again.\n\nGEORGE\n\nSo?\n\nGeorge's Father, Frank, yells at him:\n\nFRANK\n\nIt’s like putting your whole mouth in the Karpas, George!\n\nGEORGE\n\nI didn’t get enough salt water the first time. I like to really feel the tears of our people. Is that so bad?\n\nYAEL\n\nThere’s no double dipping. In general. Of anything.\n\nGeorge's mother criticizes him:\n\nESTELLE\n\nWho raised you to double dip? We didn’t raise him to double dip. I can tell you that. \n\nFRANK\n\nI’m sorry you had to see that, Yael.\n\nGEORGE\n\nCan we just say the prayer already?!\n\nEVERYONE:\n\n<img src=\"https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/lDWuGI8P1Q3xO5Aw-k8p_lC2EJJ72T4ctaIyUVE4LYxEy9IuMmVmsRnyULUwNlROcXqWRAJUOGP2ul7T1t48jReaG2hrsvycZ-jlwTADMnwQJgYIyZh1S_hiZn19lo01xw5D0n00\" alt=\"lDWuGI8P1Q3xO5Aw-k8p_lC2EJJ72T4ctaIyUVE4LYxEy9IuMmVmsRnyULUwNlROcXqWRAJUOGP2ul7T1t48jReaG2hrsvycZ-jlwTADMnwQJgYIyZh1S_hiZn19lo01xw5D0n00\" />\n\nBaruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha`olam, bo'rei p'ri ha'adama.\n\nPraised Are You, Our G-d, who creates the fruit of the earth.\n\n adapted From The Yada Yada Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1793219109 ", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": "The Yada Yada Haggadah by Dave Cowen available in full at https://amazon.com/author/davecowen", "featured": 1, "featuredIn": { "title": "Favorites 2020", "slug": "favorites-2020", "author": "Haggadot" }, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Karpas", "slug": "karpas" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 497, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Karpas - The Yada Yada Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/the-yada-yada-haggadah-seinfeld-karpas", "og:title": "Karpas - The Yada Yada Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "skit-the-democrats-try-to-nominate-a-new-moses", "title": "Skit - The Democrats Try To Nominate A New Moses", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "Skit - The Democrats Try To Nominate A New Moses By Dave Cowen New Judaic scholarship has recently uncovered a little kn...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "Skit - The Democrats Try To Nominate A New Moses\n\nBy Dave Cowen\n\nNew Judaic scholarship has recently uncovered a little known part of the Passover story. At one point, before the Jews’ Exodus from Egypt, when it wasn’t clear if Pharaoh would let them go, the Jewish people decided to put a term limit on how long Moses could be their leader. Even though some Jews thought of Moses as their (ba) rock and their (o) balm (a), they went about holding debates among candidates to see who might take over his position. This is a transcript.\n\nModerator\n\nThe question is simple. And it will go to each of you one at a time. What makes you the right leader of the Jewish People? We’ll start with Joe. Mr. Biden?\n\nJoe\n\nWell, first of all. I just want to say, that, I know Moses well, very well. I worked, hand-in-hand, with Moses, for eight years. I was Moses’ right-hand man, and I have had the privilege of learning from him, directly, how to lead our people. So, I think, what I offer, is a continuation of the leadership of Moses, into the next chapter of our peoples’ history.\n\nMike\n\nAnd yet following Moses’ leadership has not freed us from slavery yet. So why would we want a continuation of Moses’ leadership?\n\nModerator\n\nMr. Bloomberg, what would be your plan to get us out of Egypt?\n\nMike\n\nWell, I think these plagues have been helpful. And Moses’ attempts at dialogue have been helpful as well. But I am the wealthiest Jewish man in Egypt. And I think the real answer is that we should just simply pay the Pharaoh to let us go. This may sound worldly. But money talks. So I’ll make a promise. I am prepared to spend my entire fortune on buying our freedom. Well, part of most of my entire fortune. \n\nElizabeth\n\nMr. Bloomberg, with all due respect, what makes you think money would guarantee Pharaoh lets us go? What would he do for slaves? He can’t pay his people to be his slaves.That would be a whole other system of covert subjugation, by a different name. Which might actually be even more effective and scary, now that I think about it. Hm.\n\nModerator\n\nMrs. Warren, if you don’t think money will convince the Pharaoh to let us go, what will?\n\nElizabeth\n\nI’m glad you asked. I have about fifty plans for this.\n\nModerator\n\nPick one to start.\n\nElizabeth\n\nWell, I think we need to break up the Egyptian business monopolies. The Nile company which Pharaoh owns and made him the wealthiest man in the world, until he had an affair and divorced his wife, and lost a third of that money, point is, we need to regulate that monopoly. If we had regulated the Apple company back in the day, we might still be living in Paradise.\n\nPete\n\nBut, Elizabeth, are you even Jewish? You claim your great grandmother is Jewish. Sure, technically, we all descended from Adam and Eve as you said, but there’s no proof that--\n\nElizabeth\n\nI may not be able to prove that I am 1/16th Jewish, but I didn’t work for the Pharaoh’s Pyramid Wall Street consulting company in my youth. Pete, how do we know that you are a true agent of change, if you were part of the system?\n\nPete\n\nLook at this boyish smile. How could you not trust this boyish smile?\n\nElizabeth\n\nI’m not sure we want a boyish leader. We want an experienced adult.\n\nModerator\n\nTom what do you think?\n\nTom\n\nAbout Pete’s smile? \n\nModerator\n\nI meant about being the next Moses.\n\nTom\n\nRight. Duh. I believe the only way to get us out of Egypt is to convince his people to impeach him. How could they not after all the devastation he has let happen to them?\n\nAmy\n\nHis people will never impeach him. They even tried to this year, but it failed. That’s not a real option.\n\nTom \nAnd what do you think is better, Candidate Klobuchar, working with him, and the Egyptians?\n\nAmy\n\nI do. I am a pragmatist. I still think I can win them over.\n\nBernie\n\nThis is crazy. No one has brought up the ONLY way to solve this problem.\n\nModerator\n\nWhat’s that, Mr. Sanders?\n\nBernie\n\nWe tax the Pharaoh! When I put a 100% wealth tax on him, he’ll want us out of here in a second.\n\nPete\n\nBernie, he’s a tyrant. We’re slaves. We can’t tax him. \n\nJoe\n\nYes, that’s a classic Democratic-Socialist pie-in-the-sky idea.\n\nBernie\n\nYou moderates have no imagination.\n\nElizabeth\n\nLook, I think we can break up some of his companies, but to tax him, that doesn’t seem to be a viable plan, Bernie. And I’m a progressive just like you, who knows a lot about plans.\n\nModerator\n\nLook, everyone! Here comes Moses!\n\nMoses\n\nI have great news, my people! I’ve talked to Pharaoh again. While you were having this debate. Not offended in the slightest, all good. But, just so you know, Pharaoh freed us! \n\nModerator\n\nWow! Amazing! Who here wants Moses to be our leader again, say, Aye?\n\nJoe/Mike/Elizabeth/Pete/Tom/Amy/Bernie/Jewish People/Moderator\n\nAYE!\n\nMoses\n\nThing is, we have to leave, like, right now, without finishing baking the bread…\n\nTom\n\nOh.\n\nPete\n\nHm.\n\nJoe \nI mean, our people love baked bread.\n\nElizabeth\n\nYeah, I can’t imagine leaving without baked bread.\n\nMike\n\nThat would be worse than staying.\n\nAmy\n\nAwkward.\n\nBernie\n\nCan we still vote?", "cliptype": "image", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/204987/vote-for-moses-haggadot.png", "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/204987/conversions/vote-for-moses-haggadot-cover.jpg", "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "-- Exodus Story", "slug": "exodus-story" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 557, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Skit - The Democrats Try To Nominate A New Moses | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/skit-the-democrats-try-to-nominate-a-new-moses", "og:title": "Skit - The Democrats Try To Nominate A New Moses | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/204987/conversions/vote-for-moses-haggadot-cover.jpg" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "open-temple-covid19-corona-instagram", "title": "Pandemic, Poem by Lynn Ungar on COVID-19", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "Pandemic What if you thought of it as the Jews consider the Sabbath— the most sacred of times? Cease from travel. Cease...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "<h1>Pandemic</h1>\n\n<div>\n<div>\n<div>\nWhat if you thought of it \nas the Jews consider the Sabbath— \nthe most sacred of times? \nCease from travel. \nCease from buying and selling. \nGive up, just for now, \non trying to make the world \ndifferent than it is. \nSing. Pray. Touch only those \nto whom you commit your life. \nCenter down. \n \nAnd when your body has become still, \nreach out with your heart. \nKnow that we are connected \nin ways that are terrifying and beautiful. \n(You could hardly deny it now.) \nKnow that our lives \nare in one another’s hands. \n(Surely, that has come clear.) \nDo not reach out your hands. \nReach out your heart. \nReach out your words. \nReach out all the tendrils \nof compassion that move, invisibly, \nwhere we cannot touch. \n \nPromise this world your love– \nfor better or for worse, \nin sickness and in health, \nso long as we all shall live. \n \n–Lynn Ungar 3/11/20\n</div>\n</div>\n</div>", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": "Lynn Ungar", "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Commentary / Readings", "slug": "commentary-readings" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 316, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Pandemic, Poem by Lynn Ungar on COVID-19 | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/open-temple-covid19-corona-instagram", "og:title": "Pandemic, Poem by Lynn Ungar on COVID-19 | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "skit-the-original-zoom", "title": "Skit - The Original Zoom", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "Skit - The Original Zoom By Dave Cowen MOSES What a nice flock my father-in-law Jethro has. I love tending you, dear fl...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "Skit - The Original Zoom\n\nBy \n\nDave Cowen\n\nMOSES\n\nWhat a nice flock my father-in-law Jethro has. I love tending you, dear flock.\n\nThe flock mews in appreciation. Suddenly Moses realizes he’s on the far side of the wilderness and has come to Mount Horeb. There he sees a strange sight.\n\nMOSES\n\nWhat is this strange sight?\n\nIt is a bush that is burning but does not burn up.\n\nBURNING BUSH\n\nPlease join this meeting in progress.\n\nMOSES\n\nWhat meeting?\n\nBURNING BUSH\n\nJoin the Burning Bush meeting in progress.\n\nMOSES\n\nThis is a strange form of meeting, but OK.\n\nBURNING BUSH\n\nHere is your meeting ID and password.\n\nMOSES\n\nThis is a lot of numbers, but OK.\n\nBURNING BUSH\n\nDo not come any closer!\n\nMOSES\n\nWhy not?\n\nBURNING BUSH\n\nWe must practice physical and social distancing with the Burning Bush. That is the purpose of using the Burning Bush for a meeting.\n\nMOSES\n\nOK. Who am I meeting with?\n\nBURNING BUSH\n\nYou are meeting with I am who I am.\n\nMOSES\n\nWho’s that?\n\nBURNING BUSH\n\nThat is who wants to have this Burning Bush meeting with you.\n\nMOSES \nBut I don’t know any “I am who I am.”\n\nBURNING BUSH\n\nYou do know me. I am the God of your ancestors, the God of Abraham & Sarah, the God of Isaac & Rebecca, and the God of Jacob, Rachel & Leah.\n\nMOSES\n\nOh wow. Well. Here I am, Yahweh. I think. Can you see me?\n\nBURNING BUSH\n\nYour face is hidden. You need to turn--\n\nMOSES\n\nIs this better?\n\nBURNING BUSH\n\nYes, but now I can’t hear you. I think you just--\n\nMOSES\n\nDid I mute myself?\n\nBURNING BUSH\n\nYeah, I just unmuted you.\n\nMOSES\n\nGreat. Thanks. Oh no! Now Jethro’s flock just ran in here. Sorry.\n\nBURNING BUSH\n\nIt’s OK. We all have flocks to tend. I’ll wait.\n\nMOSES\n\nOK. Got that under control. So. Why do you want to meet with me, Yahweh?\n\nBURNING BUSH\n\nI have seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a land flowing with milk and honey. And I am sending you to Pharaoh to tell him you’re bringing my people, the Israelites, out of Egypt.\n\nMOSES \nI’m sorry. You were really cutting out a lot there. I couldn’t quite hear everything you said. Maybe it was something on my end. You want me to lead the Jewish people out of Egypt?\n\nBURNING BUSH\n\nThat’s basically it, yes.\n\nMOSES\n\nPardon your servant, Lord. But I have always been ineloquent and challenged in platforms of communication. Clearly, you can tell from this Burning Bush meeting, which I am having so much trouble with. If this bringing of the Israelites out of Egypt might require new platforms of communication, I’m not sure I can do it myself. \n\nBURNING BUSH\n\nDon’t worry. I will help you and will teach you how to communicate in any new platform that is required during these times. \n\nMOSES\n\nPardon your servant, Lord. But. Please employ someone else. New communication platforms are too difficult for me. \n\nBURNING BUSH\n\nMy anger burns! These are just platforms! They can be learned like anything else?! But fine. Your younger brother, Aaron, the Levite. He is younger, more of a native in these platforms. He is already on his way to help you, and you shall use him to. OK, I have to hop off now.\n\nMOSES\n\nHop off? Are you also a rabbit?\n\nBURNING BUSH\n\nIt’s just a phrase. That we use on this platform sometimes. Ask your brother, Aaron.", "cliptype": "image", "clipsource": null, "featured": 1, "featuredIn": { "title": "Comedy Seder", "slug": "comedy-seder", "author": "Haggadot" }, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/232216/moses-bush-zoom.png", "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/232216/conversions/moses-bush-zoom-cover.jpg", "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "-- Exodus Story", "slug": "exodus-story" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 392, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Skit - The Original Zoom | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/skit-the-original-zoom", "og:title": "Skit - The Original Zoom | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/232216/conversions/moses-bush-zoom-cover.jpg" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "the-biden-harris-haggadah-doug-emhoff-leads-the-yom-tov-candles", "title": "Doug Emhoff Leads The Yom Tov Candles - The Biden-Harris Haggadah", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "DOUG EMHOFF✡ LEADS THE YOM TOV CANDLE LIGHTING DOUG EMHOFF: Hello there, I’m Doug Emhoff, the first-ever Second Gentlema...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "<h1>DOUG EMHOFF✡ LEADS THE YOM TOV CANDLE LIGHTING</h1>\n\nDOUG EMHOFF: Hello there, I’m Doug Emhoff, the first-ever Second Gentleman in American history and also the first-ever Jewish spouse of an American Vice President.\n\nWe did it! A Jew is sorta in the White House! Well, in the neighborhood.\n\nThe Seder begins when we light the Yom Tov Candles. We do this at sundown, in order to mark a transition, from one time to another. And it is traditionally done by the woman of the house.\n\nBut what better way to show the progressive transition of our country and our religion than for me, a man, to light the candles!\n\nI now cover my eyes, not at all because I still feel some slight, very slight, lingering subconscious shame about being the first-ever Second Gentleman, but because I will imagine in my mind’s eye what this moment means for women, men, children, and everyone in our country and world.\n\nEVERYONE:\n\n<img src=\"https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/jYCdjBeaVr0E6tYPW5WpcAxiFsMtYVJa2VYgXGy5CnJ4XgyPeWs1EQ5dM6mCsMkvoUjYiKIU8FuyBGWgYdFU_zeVIUPUXwSggroXLNofVNhhe9m6l-7JMJb09CgUGAHiEbbiGzN6\" alt=\"jYCdjBeaVr0E6tYPW5WpcAxiFsMtYVJa2VYgXGy5CnJ4XgyPeWs1EQ5dM6mCsMkvoUjYiKIU8FuyBGWgYdFU_zeVIUPUXwSggroXLNofVNhhe9m6l-7JMJb09CgUGAHiEbbiGzN6\" />\n\nBaruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha’olam, asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu l'hadlik ner shel Yom Tov.\n\nPraised Are You, Our G-d, who blesses us with mitzvot and instructs us to ignite the lights of the festival day.", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": "The Biden-Harris Haggadah available in full at amazon.com/author/davecowen", "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Introduction", "slug": "introduction" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 281, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Doug Emhoff Leads The Yom Tov Candles - The Biden-Harris Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/the-biden-harris-haggadah-doug-emhoff-leads-the-yom-tov-candles", "og:title": "Doug Emhoff Leads The Yom Tov Candles - The Biden-Harris Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "the-biden-harris-haggadah-kamala-harris-leads-the-karpas", "title": "Kamala Harris Leads The Karpas - The Biden-Harris Haggadah", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "KAMALA HARRIS LEADS THE KARPAS KAMALA HARRIS: Thank you to the Second Gentleman and First Lady for putting on this beaut...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "<h1>KAMALA HARRIS LEADS THE KARPAS</h1>\n\nKAMALA HARRIS: Thank you to the Second Gentleman and First Lady for putting on this beautiful event.\n\nLet me tell you, I’ve been pretty busy, and I felt badly that I couldn’t help out very much. Not that I should, I am Madam Vice President!\n\nI think it was The Daily Show that pointed out: not only am I the first female Vice President, but I also have the extra job of running the tied-up Senate. This is going to be a lot of work!\n\nBut if anyone can handle doing both jobs for the price of one, it’s A Woman!\n\nI’m honored to describe the symbol of The Karpas, which as we all know, is when we dip a sprig of fresh parsley into some bitter, salty water. \n\nMamala loves its vibe and message. \n\nBecause it paradoxically combines a metaphor of tears and slavery with one of spring and rebirth. \n\nWe can all relate to that recently, right? It’s like how fun Twitter is again now.\n\nEVERYONE:\n\n<img src=\"https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/6_ToZa2KvCrxc7NUIYxrgkh-PyNgQGS7v1AJeBsf5igckNfzcg0kt9E4wstTU3ONsKJ6RYdE1XewinbsdjF81wrbn-esjAj0o_V1338ForzfbxZULe8yo7qap-2ovs6XqyiAHAWU\" alt=\"6_ToZa2KvCrxc7NUIYxrgkh-PyNgQGS7v1AJeBsf5igckNfzcg0kt9E4wstTU3ONsKJ6RYdE1XewinbsdjF81wrbn-esjAj0o_V1338ForzfbxZULe8yo7qap-2ovs6XqyiAHAWU\" />\n\nBaruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha`olam, bo'rei p'ri ha'adama\n\nPraised Are You, Our G-d, who creates the fruit of the earth.", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": "The Biden-Harris Haggadah available in full at amazon.com/author/davecowen", "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Karpas", "slug": "karpas" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 288, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Kamala Harris Leads The Karpas - The Biden-Harris Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/the-biden-harris-haggadah-kamala-harris-leads-the-karpas", "og:title": "Kamala Harris Leads The Karpas - The Biden-Harris Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "the-biden-harris-haggadah-joe-biden-leads-the-magid-and-no-one-interrupts", "title": "Joe Biden Leads The Magid (And No One Interrupts) - The Biden-Harris Haggadah", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "JOE BIDEN LEADS THE MAGID (AND NO ONE INTERRUPTS) JOE BIDEN: Okay, folks, I guess it’s time for The Magid, The Exodus St...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "<h1>JOE BIDEN LEADS THE MAGID (AND NO ONE INTERRUPTS)</h1>\n\nJOE BIDEN: Okay, folks, I guess it’s time for The Magid, The Exodus Story. \n\nIt’s funny, I actually identify a bit with Moses. Not, uh, you know, too much. But we both dealt with a, a stutter. \n\nIn Exodus, Moses doesn’t think he’s capable or able to lead the Jews out of Egypt, telling G-d: “Please, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since You have spoken to Your servant, for I am slow of speech and tongue.” \n\nIn the past, I didn’t think it was possible that I could be President with my stutter. But I would think back to my mother who would tell me, \"Joey, don't let this define you. Joey, remember who you are. Joey, you can do it.” \n\nSo every time I would walk out, she would reinforce me. I know that sounds silly, but it really matters. \n\nAnyway, sometimes during the debates with You Know Who, I didn’t know if I could get a word out, or even a word in, and I thought I might lose the Presidency because of it, but G-d helped Moses and G-d helped me, too.\n\nG-d helped all of us, I should say.\n\nBecause You Know Who was more than a bit like Pharaoh. \n\nHe just wouldn’t let his office go. \n\nLet it go, we said, let your office go. \n\nBut he wouldn’t let his office go. \n\nDONALD TRUMP: AND I STILL WON’T!\n\nJOE BIDEN: Who let you in here, Donald?!\n\nDONALD TRUMP: McConnell did.\n\nKAMALA HARRIS: Mitch?! What did you do that for? We were all trying to get along and mend bridges!\n\nMITCH MCCONNELL: He said he was going to start a new party if I didn’t. You know how I am. It’s all about self-interest!\n\nJOE BIDEN: What do you want, man?\n\nDONALD TRUMP: I want to rewrite the Exodus story my way. This time the Pharaoh stays in control. \n\nNANCY PELOSI: That’s not what happened. And it’s not what’s happening here either. You can forget it.\n\nDONALD TRUMP: Who’s going to stop me?\n\nMOSES: I will.\n\nMICHELLE OBAMA: And I will.\n\nALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ: Me, too.\n\nOPRAH: Count me in.\n\nAMANDA GORMAN: I may be small, but you don’t intimidate me.\n\nDWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON: And don’t even try me.\n\nKANYE WEST: Even I’ve had enough.\n\nMARK ZUCKERBERG: Same.\n\nEVERYONE: You get out of here, too, Zuck!\n\nJOE BIDEN: No, everyone stays. Donald, no matter how much we dislike you, and what you’ve done, you are part of our country and our story.\n\nGEORGE SOROS: Are you sure you don’t want me to get out the Jewish Space Laser and zap him out of existence? \n\nJOE BIDEN: No, he stays. Even the Simple One is welcome. And that’s not a joke.\n\nDONALD TRUMP: So you’re saying, I can still be President?\n\nJOE BIDEN: No, man. But you can stay for the meal. Is that a fair deal?\n\nDONALD TRUMP: Deal.\n\nMARK ZUCKERBERG: What about me?\n\nJOE BIDEN: You can stay, too. But we might need to regulate you like a lot more.\n\nNow let’s do the plagues paired with my executive orders.\n\nDAM, turning the Egyptians’ water into blood, but also rejoining the Paris Agreement on climate change.\n\nTZFARDEAH, releasing frogs on them, but also ending the Muslim country entry ban.\n\nKINIM, infecting them with lice, but also requiring people to wear masks on federal property.\n\nDONALD TRUMP: These sound like double the plagues.\n\nJOE BIDEN: Would you shut up, man!\n\nDONALD TRUMP: Yeah, sure, it might be nice to not talk so much. I’m working on that in therapy. It’s weird, I guess, like, I have some problems. Who knew?!\n\nEVERYONE: EVERYONE!!!\n\n JOE BIDEN: AROV, sending wild beasts at them, but also examining racial profiling and changing how police enforce laws. \n\nDEVER, diseasing their livestock, but also coordinating a federal COVID response with vaccines for all. \n\nSH’HIN, giving them boils, but also banning discrimination based on gender identity and sexual orientation in all spheres including the military.\n\nBARAD, thunderstorms of hail, but also stopping the construction of the Keystone oil pipeline and focusing on clean and green energy.\n\nARBEH, a dispersal of locusts, but also pausing student loan payments and considering a reduction in the principal.\n\nHOSHEKH, darkness for three days, but also stopping any further wall construction and supporting DACA.\n\nMAKAT B’KHOROT, the killing of their firstborn, but also making peace between the Democrats, Republicans, and Independents. \n\nHow about that?\n\n \nEVERYONE: Love it!", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": "The Biden-Harris Haggadah available in full at amazon.com/author/davecowen", "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "-- Ten Plagues", "slug": "ten-plagues" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 280, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Joe Biden Leads The Magid (And No One Interrupts) - The Biden-Harris Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/the-biden-harris-haggadah-joe-biden-leads-the-magid-and-no-one-interrupts", "og:title": "Joe Biden Leads The Magid (And No One Interrupts) - The Biden-Harris Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "w-a-p-wet-ass-pharaoh", "title": "W.A.P. - Wet-Ass Pharaoh", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "W.A.P. (Wet-Ass Pharaoh) (There’s some Jews in this house) (Three’s some Jews in this house) (There’s some Jews in this...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "W.A.P.\n\n(Wet-Ass Pharaoh)\n\n\n\n(There’s some Jews in this house)\n\n(Three’s some Jews in this house)\n\n(There’s some Jews in this house)\n\n(There’s some Jews in this house)\n\n\n\nSaid G-d’s got technique\n\nFull of mystique\n\nWet-ass Pharaoh\n\nGod’s Red Sea game on fleak\n\nYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah\n\nYeah, G-d made one Wet-Ass Pharaoh\n\nBring a bucket and a mop for this Wet-Ass Pharaoh\n\nGave us what we want, made a Wet-Ass Pharaoh\n\nBeat their idols, judgments charged\n\nExtra-large and extra-hard\n\nPut this Pharaoh in his place\n\nSmote their firstborn made them die-hard\n\nNo need to top, would’ve sufficed\n\nBut G-d copped their wealth, how fine\n\nSplit the sea, made it rise\n\nThis Pharaoh got wet, took a dive\n\nDry-land, again would have sufficed\n\nWe just say, G-d, dayenu\n\nBut. G-d. Drowned. Our. Oppressors.\n\nAnd we again say that sufficed!\n\nIn the desert, like a dream\n\nFor forty years, what a scene\n\nWe don't cook, we don't clean\n\nBut let me tell you how we got this manna\n\n\n\nGobble it, swallow it, off the ground\n\nQuick, eat it up ‘fore there’s no more of it\n\nG-d tells us about Shabbat, would’ve been enough\n\nG-d gives us Mount Sinai, would’ve been enough\n\nWe read God’s Torah, read it well\n\nAsk for more we wouldn’t dare\n\nBut we really ain't never gotta ask G-d for a thang\n\nG-d already made mind up 'to give us Israel\n\n\n\nWe got our Temple and our promised land\n\nMade one Wet-Ass Pharaoh\n\nG-d took care of us, Dayenu\n\nMade one Wet-Ass Pharaoh\n\nSaid, G-d took care of us, Dayenu\n\nMade one Wet-Ass Pharaoh\n\nThat’s right, G-d took care of us, Dayenu\n\nMade one Wet-Ass Pharaoh", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": "The Biden-Harris Haggadah full book available on Amazon.com - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08VLQKCYT", "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "-- Cup #2 & Dayenu", "slug": "cup-2-amp-dayenu" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 308, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "W.A.P. - Wet-Ass Pharaoh | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/w-a-p-wet-ass-pharaoh", "og:title": "W.A.P. - Wet-Ass Pharaoh | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "skit-the-real-reason-we-had-unleavened-bread", "title": "Skit - The Real Reason We Had Unleavened Bread", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "Skit - The Real Reason We Had Unleavened Bread By Dave Cowen BARBARA WALTERS Hello, I’m Barbara Walters and welcome to...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "Skit - The Real Reason We Had Unleavened Bread \n\nBy\n\nDave Cowen\n\nBARBARA WALTERS\n\nHello, I’m Barbara Walters and welcome to a special episode of 20/20.\n\nIf you’re a Jewish person, you’ve likely heard the Passover story every year of your life. \n\nYou think you know why we eat matzo. \n\nThe Jews were in such a haste to leave Egypt that they could only take unleavened bread. \n\nHowever, a Jewish archaeologist has recently uncovered perhaps the real reason. \n\nPlease welcome Dr. Carrie Levy to the show.\n\nDR. LEVY\n\nHi, Barbara, thanks for having me.\n\nBARBARA WALTERS\n\nSo tell us about your big discovery.\n\nDR. LEVY\n\nWell, it’s quite simple really. The Passover story presupposes that the unleavened bread could have risen. But my book asks the question, “Maybe it couldn’t?”\n\nBARBARA WALTERS\n\nSo if the bread couldn’t have risen, even if there had been time, what did happen?\n\nDR. LEVY\n\nMy research suggests that the Jewish people made an error with their sourdough starter.\n\nBARBARA WALTERS\n\nThose sourdough starters are very challenging. I’ve been trying to perfect my loaf all pandemic.\n\nDR. LEVY\n\nExactly. Yes, me, too. That’s how I came up with the theory.\n\nBARBARA WALTERS\n\nWhat do you mean?\n\nDR. LEVY\n\nBecause of the pandemic, like everyone else, I’ve been unable to leave my house. Or go to the sites in Egypt I normally excavate. So instead I started trying to perfect my sourdough loaf at home. And had tremendous trouble.\n\nWOLF BLITZER\n\nMe, too.\n\nJAKE TAPPER\n\nYes, same with me.\n\nDR. LEVY\n\nWow, this is quite an episode of 20/20 with three Jewish hosts.\n\nBARBARA WALTERS\n\nWell, Wolf gave Jake his sourdough “mother” which Jake shared with me, so I only thought it fair to include them.\n\nDR. LEVY\n\nActually, sharing the “mother” is I think where the Jews went awry.\n\nJAKE TAPPER\n\nHow so?\n\nDR. LEVY\n\nIf you overshare the “mother”, the “feedings” or “refreshments” cycles can be skipped or lost.\n\nBARBARA WALTERS\n\nMaybe, that’s what’s wrong with mine?\n\nJAKE TAPPER\n\nI fed my “mother” perfectly. If we had problems, Barbara, it must have been Wolf’s fault.\n\nBARBARA WALTERS\n\nWell, who did you get your “mother” from, Wolf?\n\nWOLF BLITZER\n\nLarry.\n\nBARBARA WALTERS\n\nLarry King?\n\nWOLF BLITZER\n\nYes, may he rest in peace.\n\nJAKE TAPPER\n\nSo since Larry King passed away, may he rest in peace, we can’t find out if the starter went bad with him or before him.\n\nDR. LEVY\n\nAnd that’s the same with my research.\n\nBARBARA WALTERS\n\nWhat do you mean?\n\nDR. LEVY\n\nI can’t find out for sure if the starter is the reason the Jews’ bread was unleavened or not.\n\nWOLF BLITZER\n\nWait, you wrote a whole book about your theory without any proof?\n\nBARBARA WALTERS\n\nAnd by proof, we also mean the term for the final rise in baking.\n\nDR. LEVY\n\nWell, as I said, I’ve been unable to leave my home for almost a year now. So I couldn’t excavate the Egyptian sites looking for the starter. And I was just sitting around the house trying to make these troublesome sourdough loaves. So I thought I might as well write a book. Even if it was speculative.\n\nJAKE TAPPER\n\nWell, that’s understandable.\n\nBARBARA WALTERS\n\nWhy did I come out of retirement for this?\n\nWOLF BLITZER\n\nIt seems maybe the original Passover story really still is true then.\n\nDR. LEVY\n\nYeah, probably.\n\nBARBARA WALTERS\n\nThat’s it for our show. Thanks, I guess, to Dr. Levy. And to Wolf Blitzer and Jake Tapper. Join us next week when we’ll be meeting with some Jewish entrepreneurs about their latest pandemic fitness craze. Where they get you lost, then you have to walk back home through the desert.", "cliptype": "image", "clipsource": "Haggadot.com", "featured": 1, "featuredIn": { "title": "Comedy Seder", "slug": "comedy-seder", "author": "Haggadot" }, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/296816/sourdough-starter-.jpg", "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/296816/conversions/sourdough-starter--cover.jpg", "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Yachatz", "slug": "yachatz" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 327, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Skit - The Real Reason We Had Unleavened Bread | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/skit-the-real-reason-we-had-unleavened-bread", "og:title": "Skit - The Real Reason We Had Unleavened Bread | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/296816/conversions/sourdough-starter--cover.jpg" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "we-don-t-talk-about-pharaoh-adapted-from-we-don-t-talk-about-bruno-from-encanto", "title": "We Don't Talk About Pharaoh (Adapted From We Don't Talk About Bruno)", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "We Don't Talk About Pharaoh By Dave Cowen Adapted from “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” from Encanto We don't talk about Pha...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "We Don't Talk About Pharaoh By Dave Cowen \nAdapted from “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” from Encanto\n\nWe don't talk about Pharaoh, no, no, no!\n\nWe don't talk about Pharaoh. But!\n\nIt was our Exodus day\n\nIt was our Exodus day\n\nWe were getting ready, to leave Egypt and slavery behind\n\nLeave Egypt and slavery behind\n\nPharaoh walks in with a mischievous grin-\n\n(Darkness!!!)\n\nYou telling this story, or am I?\n\n(I'm sorry, ha-chaim sheli, go on)\n\nPharaoh says, \"You’ll stay our slaves.\"\n\n(But God did for us?)\n\nEgypt’s water, He turned to blood\n\n(Savtala, get the umbrellas!)\n\nNext the frogs, lice, and flies came\n\n(What joyous days... but anyways)\n\nWe don't talk about Pharaoh, no, no, no!\n\nWe don't talk about Pharaoh!\n\nJews grew to live in fear of Pharaoh summoning then promising\n\nWe could always hear him sort of dissembling and fibbing\n\nBecause of him they got the plague of falling hail, ch-ch-ch\n\nYou would think pestilence would be so humbling\n\nYet always to Moses and the Jews he kept fibbing\n\nGrappling with prophecies he couldn't understand\n\nDid not understand\n\nKind of not to blame\n\nHe gets all the flack\n\nWhen God proclaimed\n\nPharaoh’s heart be black\n\nYet, he still did scheme\n\nTo keep his regime\n\nHey!\n\nWe don't talk about Pharaoh, no, no, no! (We don't talk about Pharaoh, no, no, no!)\n\nWe don't talk about Pharaoh (we don't talk about Pharaoh!)\n\nHe told us we could not leave\n\nFirstborn sons: dead! (Whoa, whoa!)\n\nMoses warned he’d grow boils!\n\nAnd just like He said... (Whoa, whoa!)\n\nGod said that all light would disappear, now look as foresaid (Whoa, whoa!)\n\nYour fate’s sealed when the prophecy is said!\n\nGod told us the land of our dreams would be promised, and someday be thine\n\nGod told us His power would grow, with outstretched arm and strong hand\n\nOy, Pharaoh’s on his way\n\nGod told us as we left, freedom would feel just out of reach\n\nEnslaved all over\n\nIt’s like I hear chariots now\n\nMy peeps, God wants some faith from you\n\nI can hear chariots now\n\nUh-oh Pharaoh...\n\nYeah, about that Pharaoh...\n\nYou really need to trust in Hashem...\n\nGimme that arm and hand for that Pharaoh\n\n(Jewish people, your ruler’s here\n\nTime for capture!)\n\nThe Red Sea he came (it was our Exodus day, it was our Exodus day)\n\nTo enslave us back (we were getting ready)\n\nhe never did change (to leave Egypt and slavery behind)\n\nhis heart remained black (to leave Egypt and slavery behind!)\n\nYet, all God’s plan (Pharaoh arrived with a mischievous grin-)\n\nTo part the Red Sea (Locusts!)\n\nYou telling this story, or am I?\n\n(I'm sorry, ha-chaim sheli, go on)\n\nGod said, “Jews cross the plane.”\n\nIn doing so, God floods the terrain\n\nThe Egyptians all were slain\n\nThat’s why we talk about Pharaoh, oh! \n\n(Every year we talk about Pharaoh?)\n\nYes, every year we talk about Pharaoh!\n\n(I’m glad we brought up Pharaoh!!!)\n\n\n\n\n\nSpotify Link Here: https://open.spotify.com/track/52xJxFP6TqMuO4Yt0eOkMz?si=75c1a82542494046", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": "Dave Cowen", "featured": 1, "featuredIn": { "title": "Favorites 2022", "slug": "favorites-2022-1", "author": "Haggadot" }, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Songs", "slug": "songs" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 319, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "We Don't Talk About Pharaoh (Adapted From We Don't Talk About Bruno) | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/we-don-t-talk-about-pharaoh-adapted-from-we-don-t-talk-about-bruno-from-encanto", "og:title": "We Don't Talk About Pharaoh (Adapted From We Don't Talk About Bruno) | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "hametz-curb-your-haggadah", "title": "Hametz - Curb Your Haggadah", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "THE SEARCHING FOR AND REMOVAL OF THE HAMETZ LARRY WATCHES AS HIS MANAGER AND BEST FRIEND, JEFF GREENE, AND JEFF’S WIFE,...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "<h1>THE SEARCHING FOR AND REMOVAL OF THE HAMETZ</h1>\n\n\n\nLARRY WATCHES AS HIS MANAGER AND BEST FRIEND, JEFF GREENE, AND JEFF’S WIFE, SUSIE, EAGERLY SEARCH FOR HAMETZ AROUND THEIR HOUSE.\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nWhat is this? What are you guys doing?\n\n\n\nSUSIE GREENE\n\nWhat do you mean, what are we doing? We’re searching for Hametz?\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nSince when do you care about Hametz? I’ve gone to Italian restaurants with you the night after Seders?\n\n \n \n \n\nSUSIE GREENE\n\nThat was before Rabbi Rebecca and her Center and most importantly…\n\n\n\nJEFF GREENE\n\nHashem.\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nNo! Not you two, too.\n\n\n\nSUSIE GREENE\n\nIt’s a miracle, Lar. We’ve tried couples therapy. With the most expensive psychologists in this city. For years. Decades. And nothing ever worked. But the last month of daily workshops at Rabbi Rebecca’s Center and…\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nWhat? She’s healed everything?\n\n\n\nSUSIE GREENE\n\nNot her. Hashem did. Including my fibromyalgia.\n\n\n\nJEFF GREENE\n\nIt’s true. And I lost eighteen pounds. Chai!\n\n\n\nLARRY LOOKS INCREDULOUSLY AT JEFF.\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nJeff, are you hametzing serious with this hametz?\n\n\n\nJEFF GREENE\n\nYes. I am. And we are. And could you please stop using that bad language?\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nWhat bad language? Hametz? I can’t say hametz anymore? You’re not saying hametzing hametz anymore?\n\n\n\nJEFF GREENE\n\nAt least not for Passover.\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nWhy? \n\n\n\nJEFF GREENE\n\nAlong with physical Hametz, all leavened bread. We’re also clearing away all spiritual Hametz.\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nWhat the hametz is spiritual Hametz?\n\n\n\nSUSIE GREENE \nWhat is there not to get? It’s all that mishegas in your head. We have to sweep up all that sick mishegas in that sick head of yours, Larry! That sick mind, body, and soul. Sweep up all the sick mishegas in it. And burn it!\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nBurn it?!\n\n\n\nSUSIE GREENE\n\nBurn it.\n\n\n\nJEFF GREENE\n\nShould we say the prayer?\n\n \n \n\nSUSIE GREENE\n\nYes, let’s say the prayer.\n\n\n\nEVERYONE:\n\n<img src=\"https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/KHCJZ7WwnIKpRkeKQiSj_AQiNEnjAs7Y7o72qga51FM30SMClx9vAJ0Nktg9TAGGRTzCrev-u517_H6AKHQesD3-2IDvCUXiQTn9q20WFbt98AFB3eagQ1IY0NVWytr4DZfM143X\" alt=\"KHCJZ7WwnIKpRkeKQiSj_AQiNEnjAs7Y7o72qga51FM30SMClx9vAJ0Nktg9TAGGRTzCrev-u517_H6AKHQesD3-2IDvCUXiQTn9q20WFbt98AFB3eagQ1IY0NVWytr4DZfM143X\" />\n\nBaruch atah Ad-nai, Eloheinu Melech ha’olam, asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu al biur Hametz.\n\n\n\nPraised are You, our G-d, who blesses us and instructs us to remove Hametz.\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nThis whole thing sounds like mishegas to me.", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": "from Curb Your Haggadah available in full at: amazon.com/author/davecowen", "featured": 0, "featuredIn": { "title": "Comedy Seder", "slug": "comedy-seder", "author": "Haggadot" }, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Introduction", "slug": "introduction" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 272, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Hametz - Curb Your Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/hametz-curb-your-haggadah", "og:title": "Hametz - Curb Your Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "the-four-children-curb-your-haggadah", "title": "The Four Children - Curb Your Haggadah", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "THE FOUR CHILDREN RABBI REBECCA TRANSITIONS THE GUESTS: RABBI REBECCA Enough about my schmutzy hametz life. Let’s move o...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "<h1>THE FOUR CHILDREN</h1>\n\n\n\nRABBI REBECCA TRANSITIONS THE GUESTS:\n\n\n\nRABBI REBECCA\n\nEnough about my schmutzy hametz life. Let’s move on to The Four Children.\n\n\n\nLARRY HAS FAILED TO MAKE SUSIE AND JEFF, AND TED AND CHERYL MISERABLE AGAIN. AND HE’S LOST LEON TO UNMISERABLENESS TOO. HE LOOKS AT HIS OLDEST FRIEND, RICHARD LEWIS. PERHAPS ONE LAST FRIEND TO TRY. LARRY LEANS OVER WHISPERS:\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nHey, Richard.\n\n\n\nRICHARD LEWIS\n\nWhat? What do you want?\n\nRICHARD SEEMS DISINCLINED TO TALK TO LARRY, THE PARIAH, BUT LARRY CONTINUES:\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID \n\nRemember when we used to do this as kids? When we were growing up together? I think I had my first drink with you at Passover. Manischewitz.\n\n\n\nRICHARD LEWIS\n\nThat’s right. I remember that. It was mine, too. \n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nDo you remember what happened next?\n\n\n\nRICHARD LEWIS\n\nNot really? We were twelve.\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID \n\nWell, soon after, you became an alcoholic. It messed up your whole life. And later you developed kidney failure from it. And so I gave you one of my kidneys because I thought I found out my Jewish parents adopted me and that I was really a biological Christian, so I lost all of my Jewish neurosis and anxiety and fear about death, but then when I found out I was really still just a Jew and all that neurosis and anxiety and fear of death came back, you still got my kidney even though I didn’t want you to have it anymore.\n\n\n\nRICHARD LEWIS\n\nSo what? What do you want from me? We’ve been friends for over 15 years since then. I’ve said thank you a million times. You’d rather I’d have died?\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nSometimes! I mean. When are you going to die? Would you just, would you please just die? You have more lives than a litter of cats.\n\n\n\nRICHARD LEWIS\n\nThat hurts, man. Don’t hex, don’t hex my life.\n\n \n \n \n \n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nSorry. The point is: I’m saying all of this happened because of your drinking. Which all started when you were a child, at Passover.\n\n\n\nRICHARD LEWIS\n\nSo you’re saying what? I’m the Wicked Child? And you’re the Good Child for giving me a kidney? If that makes you feel better, go ahead, think that.\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nNo, old friend. What I think is! What kind of a holiday makes you drink four glasses of wine?! That’s binge drinking! And two nights in a row?! That’s a bender! \n\n\n\nLARRY HANDS RICHARD A BOTTLE OF MANISCHEWITZ FROM THE TABLE.\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nI’m thinking, how many alcoholics, like you, have been created by this holiday, Passover?\n\n\n\nRICHARD CONSIDERS THIS, GETS A BIT UPSET. \n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nYou know what else I think? I think. Maybe there are no Wicked Children, Richard. \n\n\n\nLARRY GESTURES RICHARD TO LOOK AT ALL THE MANISCHEWITZ BOTTLES ON THE TABLE.\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nMaybe, Richard, there’s just a Wicked Holiday? \n\n\n\nRICHARD CONSIDERS THIS, GETS MORE UPSET. RABBI REBECCA OVERHEARD, LAUGHS.\n\n\n\nRABBI REBECCA\n\nMr. David, once again, you’ve stumbled upon a perfect exemplification of a teaching, for The Four Children.\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nReally?!\n\nRABBI REBECCA\n\nReally.\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nNot this time.\n\n\n\nRABBI REBECCA\n\nReally. You have.\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nI’ve had it with these examples and these reallys!\n\n\n\nTHIS TIME LARRY DOES STAND UP FROM THE TABLE AND GIVE RABBI REBECCA HIS TRADEMARK EYE STARE INTERROGATION. RABBI REBECCA, THOUGH, STARES BACK. AND HER STARE IS OF COMPASSION NOT SUSPICION. SHE TEACHES AS SHE STARES COMPASSIONATELY INTO LARRY’S EYES:\n\n\n\nRABBI REBECCA\n\nThe Wicked Child is perhaps a misnomer, Mr. David. In Kabbalah, it’s more like The Alienated One. When someone criticizes this holiday like you just did and says, “What does all this mean?” to everyone else, rather than to yourself. You are excluding yourself from--\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nDon’t you see, I want to exclude myself! I don’t want to be part of this! Any of it! Of any thing!\n\n\n\nRABBI REBECCA\n\nRight, but don’t you see, you’re excluding yourself not just from this ceremony, or this tradition, or this community, and not even just all other people, but in doing so, occluding the experience of the Divine Spark within you, you’re even estranging yourself from your own Self. You are The Good One, everyone can be, but sometimes we just don’t know it, we don’t feel it, what you might call neurosis.\n\n\n\nLARRY REMOVES HIS EYEGLASSES AS HE CONSIDERS HER EXPLANATION.\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nSo what is this Divine Spark you keep going on and on and on about?\n\n\n\nLARRY KEEPS HIS TRADEMARK EYE STARE LOCKED ON RABBI REBECCA AND SHE LOOKS COMPASSIONATELY BACK ON HIM.\n\n\n\nRABBI REBECCA\n\nThat’s what The Naive One asks, Mr. David. And I can tell you now.\n\n\n\nLARRY’S EYES SUDDENLY DART AWAY FROM RABBI REBECCA.\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nNo, I take back the question. All the questions. I don’t want to know. I don’t care. I couldn’t care less. I never even really meant to ask you any questions.\n\n\n\nRABBI REBECCA, THOUGH, KEEPS HER COMPASSIONATE EYE STARE ON LARRY.\n\n\n\nRABBI REBECCA\n\nOK, well, now, Mr. David, you’re The One Who Doesn’t Know How To Ask. And so we tell you as well.\n\n\n\nLARRY DAVID\n\nNo!\n\n\n\nLARRY CLOSES HIS EYES IN ANGER AND ANXIETY AND SHAME AND ALIENATION.\n\n\n\nRABBI REBECCA\n\nBut that’s what the Magid is, Mr. David. It’s the telling.\n\n\n\nRABBI REBECCA REACHES HER FINGERS OUT, GENTLY PLACES THEM ON LARRY’S EYELIDS.", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": "from Curb Your Haggadah available in full at: amazon.com/author/davecowen", "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "-- Four Children", "slug": "four-children" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 186, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "The Four Children - Curb Your Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/the-four-children-curb-your-haggadah", "og:title": "The Four Children - Curb Your Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "the-magid-curb-your-haggadah", "title": "The Magid - Curb Your Haggadah", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "THE MAGID LARRY FINDS HIMSELF IN A PALACE…IN THE EGYPT OF THE TORAH…BUT HE’S NOT A JEW… AND HE’S NOT JUST ANY GENTILE… H...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "<h1>THE MAGID</h1>\n\n\n\nLARRY FINDS HIMSELF IN A PALACE…IN THE EGYPT OF THE TORAH…BUT HE’S NOT A JEW… AND HE’S NOT JUST ANY GENTILE… HE’S…PHARAOH.\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY\n\nCan you tell me? What do these Jews want? So they have to work a little. They live in Goshen. Our most luxurious province. It’s full of food to eat, livestock and seafood, but they’re too good for pork?\n\n\n\nHIS ADVISOR, EGYPTIAN MOCHA JOE (Season 7 and 10), SAYS:\n\n\n\nEGYPTIAN MOCHA JOE \n\nShellfish too apparently, Pharaoh. It’s also a misconception that the Jews built the pyramids. We make them work with straw not stone. And they haven’t been our slaves for long. They lived well for generations with their former leader, Joseph.\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY\n\nWhat then does this Moses want exactly?\n\n\n\nEGYPTIAN MOCHA JOE\n\nIt seems he just wants a three day break, for him and his people, so they can go pray to their G-d in the desert, give sacrifices, and I guess come back? Which really isn’t that big of a deal, is it?\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY\n\nWhat? Not a big deal, Egyptian Mocha Joe? Do you think I get a vacation from being Pharaoh? A break from being me? No, I’m stuck as me forever. And I’m sick of it. Sure I have all this power. But it’s almost like a prison. Being me. I’m kind of the slave here, too, if you ask me.\n\n\n\nEGYPTIAN MOCHA JOE\n\nHm.\n\n\n\nJUST THEN, ANOTHER ADVISOR, EGYPTIAN JON HAMM (Season 10 and 11), ENTERS:\n\n\n\nEGYPTIAN JON HAMM\n\nYo Pharaoh! Moses is here to see you.\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY\n\nSend him in, Egyptian Jon Hamm.\n\n\n\nEGYPTIAN JON HAMM\n\nYou mean, Egyptian Jon Hamm who’s shadowing you so I can act in a play as Pharaoh Larry?\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY\n\nWhatever, send him in.\n\n\n\nMOSES ENTERS. PHARAOH LARRY IS SURPRISED THAT MOSES RESEMBLES HIM…\n\n\n\nMOSES LARRY\n\nHello, Pharaoh.\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY\n\nHello, Moses. You look…\n\n\n\nMOSES LARRY\n\nLike you?\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY\n\nI was going to say handsome and confident. Especially for a bald man. But that’s basically what you said.\n\n\n\nMOSES LARRY\n\nYes, I do look like you. That’s because in Kabbalah, one way of looking at the Pharaoh is that you are the Shadow of me, Moses.\n\n\n\nEGYPTIAN JON HAMM\n\nI thought I was doing the shadowing?\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY\n\nEgyptian Mocha Joe, throw Egyptian Jon Hamm in the river!\n\n\n\nEGYPTIAN JON HAMM\n\nAw man! Are you killing me? Or does that mean I’m shadowing your shadow, Moses Larry, now?\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY\n\nGet him in that river, Egyptian Mocha Joe!\n\n\n\nEGYPTIAN MOCHA JOE REMOVES EGYPTIAN JON HAMM.\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY\n\nIt’s just us now, Moses Larry. So I’m the Shadow of you? If that’s true, can we skip all the formalities? Of having your G-d plague me? Us? Whatever? What were those plagues of your G-d again anyway, Moses Larry?\n\n\n\nMOSES LARRY LOOKS JUST THE SLIGHTEST BIT ANNOYED TO HAVE TO REPEAT THEM.\n\n\n\nMOSES LARRY\n\nCan I have a wine glass and a plate, Pharaoh?\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY\n\nEgyptian Mocha Joe! Fetch Moses Larry a wine glass and a plate!\n\n\n\nSILENCE.\n\n\n\nMOSES LARRY\n\nYou sent him to throw Egyptian Jon Hamm in the river, remember?\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY\n\nOh right! Fine, I’ll fetch it myself I guess.\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY FETCHES MOSES LARRY A WINE GLASS AND PLATE. MOSES LARRY DABS HIS FINGER, DROPS WINE FOR EACH PLAGUE.\n\n\n\nMOSES LARRY\n\nThe Ten Plagues were, are and will always be: DAM, turning your water into blood; TZFARDEAH, releasing frogs on you; KINIM, lice; AROV, wild beasts; DEVER, diseasing your livestock; SH’HIN, giving you boils; BARAD, hail; ARBEH, locusts; HOSHEKH, darkness over you and your land for three days; and finally, MAKAT B’KHOROT, the killing of your firstborns.\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY\n\nBut, wait, if I’m the Shadow of you, all of that suffering from the plagues is happening to you, too?\n\n\n\nMOSES LARRY\n\nIn a way…\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY\n\n But you’re also suffering as yourself as my slave? And I’d be suffering as my slave myself?\n\n\n\nMOSES LARRY\n\nIn a way…\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY\n\n But I don’t feel like a slave. I’m the most powerful person in history. So far. I’m confused.\n\n\n\nMOSES LARRY\n\nIt’s perhaps about how we suffer and why. You perhaps represent the Ego. And every Ego suffers. Even when it doesn’t realize it is or has been. I perhaps represent Essence. And Essence both does and does not suffer.\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY\n\nWhy the hametz does Essence get to not suffer?\n\n\n\nMOSES LARRY \n\nBecause it is and knows it is part of and in the hands of G-d and can never truly be hurt or extinguished.\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY\n\nHm, I think I remember Essence once. I was a baby. Playing with my dad. In the crypt. Of a pyramid. He was mummified. Because he was dead. But I felt his Essence. Or mine. Or just the existence of Essence. It was nice. That was before I had to harden my heart to rule. Do things like throw Egyptian Jon Hamm in the river. And enslave you and your people. Or anyone who comments about my baldness. Why do we have to become Egos?\n\n \n \n\nMOSES LARRY\n\nPerhaps the Ego’s suffering is purposeful. It can bring us into knowledge of Essence. And the knowledge of Essence while you also have an Ego is perhaps different from when you were undifferentiated Essence as an unaware baby. As an Ego aware of and in synch with Essence, you can perhaps best serve as an instrument of the Divine.\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY\n\nSo…the plagues, the slavery, all this suffering…it all has a purpose for both Egyptians and Jews, Moses and Pharaoh, me and you, our Ego and our Essence, and I can’t avoid it?\n\n\n\nMOSES LARRY\n\nI believe so.\n\n\n\nPHARAOH LARRY CONSIDERS THIS…\n\n\n\nTHEN REPLIES:\n\n \n \n\nPHARAOH LARRY\n\nWell, I don’t believe in any of this nonsense. Or in this G-d of yours. Or in any G-d. You and your people cannot leave. And will never leave. I can defeat any so-called plagues myself. \n\n\n\nMOSES LARRY\n\nVery well.\n\n\n\nMOSES LARRY LEAVES TO RETURN TO THE JEWISH CAMP.", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": "from Curb Your Haggadah available in full at: amazon.com/author/davecowen", "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "-- Exodus Story", "slug": "exodus-story" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 207, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "The Magid - Curb Your Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/the-magid-curb-your-haggadah", "og:title": "The Magid - Curb Your Haggadah | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "the-beastie-boys-do-the-first-cup-of-wine", "title": "The Beastie Boys do the first cup of wine", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "THE FIRST CUP OF WINE MIKE D Ahem, um, no big deal, but we didn’t get a chance, to, ahem, do one of our songs, when we c...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "<h1>THE FIRST CUP OF WINE</h1>\n\nMIKE D\n\nAhem, um, no big deal, but we didn’t get a chance,\n\nto, ahem, do one of our songs, when we came in?\n\nAD-ROCK\n\nWe think it’s perfect, Rick. For the first cup of wine.\n\n<a href=\"https://open.spotify.com/track/5NLuC70kZQv8q34QyQa1DP?si=8c9a5757e2134f3d\">“Fight For Your Right”</a>\n\nEVERYONE\n\nPour it!\n\nMIKE-D\n\nYou wake up late for Hebrew school \n\nHashem, you don't want to go\n\nYou ask yo’ Mom, please? But she still says, no\n\nMissed Bar Mitzvah class, did no Haftarah work\n\nAnd your Rabbi says your Sermon\n\nNeeds a whole lotta work\n\nEVERYONE\n\nBut you still gotta right (dum dum) \n\nTo that first cup, of wine!\n\nMIKE D\n\nHm. That’s pretty weird actually?\n\nWe’re, like, still promoting teen drinking?\n\nHow old is a Bar Mitzvah again?\n\nAD-ROCK\n\nI think it’s thirteen, man. Yeah, that’s too young.\n\nEVERYONE\n\nSometimes you gotta role model! (dum dum)\n\nThe other ways of, partying!\n\nMIKE D\n\nWait, are we saying, the other, kind of, bitter herb?\n\nAD-ROCK\n\nI don’t think so, I mean, I wasn’t thinking it, but, now, you’re saying it, so, it’s like, now, everyone probably is, or was, and I missed it, but-\n\nEVERYONE\n\nTo be clear everyone! (dum dum) An example would be, singing, maybe even (dum dum) dancing!\n\nAD-ROCK\n\nOK, yeah, I feel better about that, you? \n\nMIKE D\n\nThe Beasties finally becoming men. Um, people.\n\nRICK RUBIN\n\nAnd let’s not forget to say the prayer!\n\nEVERYONE\n\n\n\nBaruch atah Ad-nai Eloheinu Melech ha'olam bo're p'ri hagafen.\n\nPraised are You, Our G-d, who blesses us and creates the fruit of the vine.", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": "from The Meshugah Kanye Haggadah available in full: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BXNMFVPH", "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Kadesh", "slug": "kadesh" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 89, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "The Beastie Boys do the first cup of wine | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/the-beastie-boys-do-the-first-cup-of-wine", "og:title": "The Beastie Boys do the first cup of wine | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "taylor-swift-beyonce-ye-do-the-yahatz", "title": "Taylor Swift + Beyonce + Ye do the yahatz!", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "THE YAHATZ RICK RUBIN Hametz & Matzo are like Ego & Source. Hametz is leavened bread. Soft, tasty, but it consis...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "<h1>THE YAHATZ</h1>\n\nRICK RUBIN\n\nHametz & Matzo are like Ego & Source. Hametz is leavened bread. Soft, tasty, but it consists mostly of empty air after baking. Inflated air symbolizes a distortion of our self-awareness. When fermentation is prevented in baking of Matzo, we’re left with bread that’s more surrendering of itself to Source. Yet also more tuned in. It may not seemingly be as delicious as Hametz. As ‘special.’ But a self that is closer to the undifferentiated universe. Is also paradoxically closer to its differentiated self. “Specialer” and not.\n\n\n\nYe notices Beyoncé & TAYLOR SWIFT enter.\n\n\n\nBEYONCÉ\n\nJay said some healing things were happening here.\n\n\n\nTAYLOR SWIFT\n\nSo she brought me.\n\n\n\nBEYONCÉ\n\nHow about us three do another remix of my song…\n\n\n\n<a href=\"https://open.spotify.com/track/6GcuA4J9ruyClBizBd4m5E?si=4f47f4c3227d4664\">“Ego”</a>\n\n\n\nTAYLOR SWIFT\n\nWe got big egos\n\nWe got such big egos\n\nBut sometimes we need matzos\n\nJust regular matzos\n\n\n\nYE\n\nI know you love my huge matzo\n\n\n\nTAYLOR SWIFT\n\nCareful, I might break your matzo \n\n\n\nYE\n\nHa-ha-ha\n\n\n\nTAYLOR SWIFT\n\nWe like to joke around a bit, but seriously though\n\n\n\nBEYONCÉ\n\nOK, Ye, how you doing?\n\nYou know I'ma cut right to the chase, huh\n\nAll people, were made, but some, like us\n\nWe like to think we was created\n\nFor a special purpose, ya’ know?\n\nWhat's more special than us? You feel me?\n\n\n\nTAYLOR SWIFT\n\nOh, he feels you.\n\n\n\nBEYONCÉ\n\nOK, Ye, let's talk The Yahatz\n\nMatzo’s, our whole Self, like a baby, mostly Source\n\nBut the world, as we age, traps us, in Egypt\n\nThat’s Ego, suffering, but that’s, everyone’s trip\n\n\n\nYE\n\nWhy?\n\n\n\nTAYLOR SWIFT\n\nIt might, be necessary, to go through, Mitzraim\n\nSo we can, break our Egos, and return to, Source\n\nBut unlike, as a baby, an adult, in Source\n\nAlso has an Ego, so we can, be the best, instrument\n\n\n\nYE\n\nFor G-d?\n\n\n\nBeyoncé & Taylor Swift nod.\n\n\n\nTAYLOR SWIFT\n\nI forgive you for your ego\n\n‘Cause I too have such a big ego\n\n\n\nEVERYONE\n\nShe does too have such a big ego\n\n\n\nBEYONCÉ\n\nYe, can we break this matzo?\n\nWhich symbolizes your ego?\n\n\n\nEVERYONE\n\nYes, please for the love of G-d break his matzo!\n\n\n\nTaylor & Beyoncé hand Ye the matzo.\n\n\n\nYE\n\nWe all have such big egos\n\n\n\nEVERYONE\n\nBut yours especially so!\n\n\n\nYe chooses to pick up the matzos.\n\n\n\nYE\n\nSo maybe, when it breaks, it causes an Ego death\n\nLike a manic, episode, or a psychotic, break\n\nBut I won’t, be Macbeth, I’ll care, for my health\n\n In return, if you can, sometimes give me, a break\n\n\n\nEVERYONE\n\nWe all have Egos\n\nNot just musicians\n\nWe all could be more like Matzos\n\nModest, humble, unspecial Matzos\n\n\n\nYe is about to smash the matzos into smithereens…", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": "from The Meshugah Kanye Haggadah available in full: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BXNMFVPH", "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Yachatz", "slug": "yachatz" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 87, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Taylor Swift + Beyonce + Ye do the yahatz! | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/taylor-swift-beyonce-ye-do-the-yahatz", "og:title": "Taylor Swift + Beyonce + Ye do the yahatz! | Passover haggadah by Dave Cowen", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "barbra-streisand-asks-ye-the-four-questions", "title": "Barbra Streisand asks Ye the four questions", "author": "Dave Cowen", "author_handle": "dave-cowen-1", "author_initials": "DC", "covertext": "THE FOUR QUESTIONS Just then BARBRA STREISAND stands up: BARBRA STREISAND I’m sorry, I’m sorry, to, interrupt. But...I f...", "user_image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/conversions/IMG_6809-thumb.jpg", "user_image_original": "https://assets.haggadot.com/users/347188/IMG_6809.jpg", "body": "<h1>THE FOUR QUESTIONS</h1>\n\nJust then BARBRA STREISAND stands up:\n\n\n\nBARBRA STREISAND\n\nI’m sorry, I’m sorry, to, interrupt. But...I feel like I really need to say something. If I didn’t, I just couldn’t live with myself. I feel like some things, need to be said. Or, I wouldn't, I wouldn’t be being true to my roots, to my family, how I was raised, and what I try to teach the next generations.\n\nI guess I’m saying I have some questions.\n\n\n\nRICK RUBIN\n\nIs it four questions by any chance? Would be great to stick to the custom of four questions if possible?\n\n\n\nBARBRA STREISAND\n\nWhat? Really, Rick?\n\n\n\nShe looks at Ye.\n\n\n\nBARBRA STREISAND\n\nI know, we’re supposed to, you know, be more, forgiving, of mental health issues, in, um, this day & age, but, in my generation, it wasn’t, you know, like, a free pass, to, I don’t know, if you have a public platform, bring out the worst in, some, um, very also, um, sick, people, is that, is that OK to say?\n\n\n\nEveryone looks at Ye, he looks maybe a bit ashamed\n\n\n\nRICK RUBIN\n\nI think we actually can use The Four Questions to answer that question, Barbra! Tonight we ask: Why is this night different from all other nights? 1. On all other nights we can eat both Hametz and Matzah, but on this night, only Matzah. 2. On all other nights we eat other vegetables, but on this night, only bitter Maror. 3. On all other nights we don’t dip our vegetables into saltwater (Karpas) even once, but on this night, we do so twice. 4. On all other nights we eat sitting or reclining, but on this night, only reclining.\n\n\n\nBARBRA STREISAND\n\nWhat does this have to do with what I just asked?\n\n\n\nRICK RUBIN\n\nGoing back to Michael L. Kagan’s teachings, the first question about Hametz versus Matzo helps us recognize that we are sometimes trapped as a slave to our Ego (Hametz) and its instinctual demands.\n\n\n\nBARBRA STREISAND\n\nInstinctual demands, huh, that’s what we’re calling this, you know, mentally ill, um, behavior now?\n\n\n\nRICK RUBIN\n\nThe second question about Maror, instructs us to be willing to face the bitter truth (Maror) about ourselves. Of who we are and how we live our lives and our lies. And to practice telling our truth.\n\n\n\nBARBRA STREISAND\n\nSo, as long as, um, mentally ill artists, keep singing about their mistakes, they can keep making them? Even if they really affect others?\n\n\n\nRICK RUBIN\n\nIn the 3rd question about Karpas, we’d hope next we would step into the layers of pain that surround & perhaps produce that behavior & be willing to let the tears of that suffering flow (Karpas). So that the inner bitterness can be miraculously transformed by the sweetness of love & forgiveness (Maror dipped into Charoset). With reclining we let our over-judgmental selves rest. Release attachment to preconceptions & practice acts of loving-kindness, not judging our selves or others.\n\n\n\nStreisand looks at Ye who, might just be, maybe… Ye looks at Streisand who, might just be, maybe…\n\n\n\nBARBRA STREISAND\n\nDoes anyone mind accompanying me on something? I’d ask Stephen Sondheim but…Maybe the angels can send him & some clowns in?\n\n\n\nBilly Joel nods, starts to play on the piano:\n\n\n\n<a href=\"https://open.spotify.com/track/7tlvuoydFHFO12oZl5buh0?si=db9ca08bc4574623\">“Send in the Clowns”</a>\n\n\n\nBARBRA STREISAND\n\nIsn't it rich? Aren’t we all a pair?\n\nYou there on the ground, Me superior, in the air\n\nWhere are the clowns?\n\n Isn't it bliss? When we don’t approve?\n\nWe tear others down, Nothing for us to lose\n\nWhere are the clowns? Send in the clowns\n\n\n\nYe motions to Barbra if he can sing too. She nods.\n\n\n\nYE\n\nI assumed on me no one’d ever close the doors\n\nSo I attacked anyone including you & yours\n\nIn my usual flair\n\nSometimes my lines \n\nI forget someone else is there\n\nMyself I usually make farce\n\nBut recently my faults, I fear\n\nIs too much condemning others not enough love\n\nSorry, my dear\n\n\n\nEVERYONE\n\nBut where are the clowns? Send in the clowns\n\n\n\nYE\n\nWhat a surprise... What a cliche…\n\nLosing my timing…This late in my career?\n\n\n\nBARBRA STREISAND\n\nIsn’t it queer? Me, too, I hear\n\nAs times go by, So do ours dear\n\n\n\nEVERYONE\n\nBut where are the clowns? Quick send in the clowns\n\n\n\nYE & STREISAND\n\nDon’t bother, they’re already here\n\n\n\nKYRIE IRVING\n\nBarb, I think you were a bit out of key there…\n\n(off her look)\n\nNah! 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Seinfeld Urchatz - The Yada Yada Haggadah

Haggadah Section: Urchatz

Seinfeld Urchatz by Dave Cowen (adapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah)

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

ELAINE

Now what?

KRAMER

It’s time for the Urchatz. Where we all wash our hands before the meal with this.

KRAMER PASSES A BOWL FILLED WITH WATER TO ELAINE.

ELAINE

OK...

ELAINE WASHES HER HANDS. THEN WHEN SHE IS DIRECTED BY KRAMER TO PASS THE BOWL TO THE NEXT PERSON, JERRY REALIZES WHAT’S GOING ON. HE TURNS HORRIFIED:

JERRY

Wait. We’re all washing our hands with the same bowl of water. That’s—that’s crazy! It defeats the whole purpose of washing your hands! Washing them with the filth of other people’s hands? Why even wash your hands if you’re going to wash your hands like that?!

GEORGE'S LOVE INTEREST, YAEL, FINISHES WASHING HER HANDS. SHE PASSES THE BOWL TO GEORGE. EVEN THOUGH THE BOWL HAS BEEN USED BY ELAINE, GEORGE’S PARENTS, AND KRAMER, GEORGE GLEEFULLY WASHES HIS HANDS IN THE WATER FOR YAEL’S BENEFIT.

GEORGE

I don’t mind one bit. I find it revitalizing, refreshing, and completely sanitary.

GEORGE PASSES THE BOWL TO JERRY.

GEORGE

Jerry?

JERRY

No, thanks.

YAEL

But, Jerry, you must.

JERRY

I’m good.

YAEL LOOKS VERY DISAPPOINTED.

YAEL

You’re the only one at the table who hasn’t. And you’re the host!

GEORGE NOTICES HIS LOVE INTEREST’S SEVERE DISAPPOINTMENT. HE RE-EXTENDS THE BOWL TO JERRY.

GEORGE

Jerry. Take it. Wash your hands.

JERRY

Nuh-uh.

ELAINE

Go ahead, Jer. I did it. First. But still.

JERRY SHAKES HIS HEAD NO.

GEORGE

Wash your hands, Jerry!

JERRY VEHEMENTLY SHAKES HIS HEAD NO.

GEORGE GRABS JERRY’S HANDS AND DUNKS THEM IN THE WATER. JERRY MAKES A COMPLETELY DISGUSTED FACE. BUT YAEL LOOKS HAPPY. GEORGE NOTICES, FEELS JUSTIFIED. HE RELEASES JERRY’S HANDS. JERRY STARES AT HIS RUINED HANDS.

adapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1793219109

Source:

The Yada Yada Haggadah by Dave Cowen available in full at https://amazon.com/author/davecowen

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Comedy Seder

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Table of contents

Introduction

Jerry Seinfeld's Passover Stand-Up Introduction - The Yada Yada Haggadah

Matzah

Monty Python Haggadah: The Seder Plate

I Flee

The Sorting Hat of Passover

Let's get this party started

Courtesy of Beyonceder

The 30-second Seder

The 15-second Seder

Seder Guests...

Hametz - Curb Your Haggadah

Songs

Take Me Out to the Seder

Chametz

Our Passover Things (Sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things")

The Plot of Wonder Woman Meets Chad Gadya

Chag Gad Ya Emoji Style

Pharoah Pharoah

A Whole New World Passover Parody

"Jews" (Juice by Lizzo)

Sweet Charoset - parody song

Take Me Out of Mitzrayim

Kadesh

Four Cups of Wine

Kadesh: Happy Hour Begins

Urchatz

2020 Seder Order

Seinfeld Urchatz - The Yada Yada Haggadah

Wash Your Hands song

Karpas

Karpas - The Yada Yada Haggadah

Karpas Buzzfeed style quiz

Karpas Cocktail

Da Dip

Tzafun

Afikomen Prize

Shalom Sesame: Les Matzarables

Afikoman

Yachatz

Aim for the Middle

Pharaoh Doesn't Pay

Song - Don't sit on the Afikomen

Skit - The Real Reason We Had Unleavened Bread

Maggid - Beginning

Moses, Aaron, and Pharaoh

A Few of my Favorite Things

-- Four Questions

Dr. Seuss' Four Questions

Four Questions Asked in Sarcasm

Ma Nishtanah

Monty Python Haggadah: Four Questions

Four Funny Questions

-- Four Children

The Good Place - 4 Children

Emoji Four children

Marx Brothers Four Sons

SP - Four Sons

Pesah Man (Sing to tune of Piano Man)

The Four Sons

The Four Sisters

Reggae Four Children: No Egypt, No Cry!

-- Exodus Story

Let My People Go (song)

Exodus story in LEGO

Beyonceder - Tell Him Boy Bye

Star Wars / Sci-fi Seder Intro

Matzah Humor

Story of Moses - a memo from Moses to G-d

Beyonceder - He Better Call Becky With the Good Hair

Skit - The Original Zoom

Passover In Pop Culture

-- Ten Plagues

Skit - Pharaoh and Moses Go To A Conflict Counselor

Dom, Dom

Death of the Firstborn

Alternate Seinfeld Plagues.

50 Ways to Leave Your Pharaoh

Top Ten Rejected Plagues

FIRST PLAGUE AS REPORTED ON TWITTER

Shalom Auslander - Plauged

The Ten Plagues

Musical "Let it Go"

Hamilton Haggadah - Ten Plagues of Egypt

-- Cup #2 & Dayenu

Maroon 5/Adam Levine - "Memories (The 2nd Cup Parody Song)"

Beyonceder - Let's Get in Formation

Dayenu: Behind the Music (A Fictional Origins Story)

We're Gonna Sing Dayenu (Sing to tune of We Didn't Start the Fire)

dayeinu graph

Rachtzah

Because we would feel guilty if we didn't

Modern Passover

Motzi-Matzah

An Ode to Bread

No Pasta more Matzah

Motzi-Matzah

DIY Matzoh Baking

Flour + Water = Matzah

Maror

Have Yourself a Piece of Bitter Maror

Koreich

A Joke of a Sandwich

Charoset Ice Cream

Shulchan Oreich

Dr. Mom BLOWS UP Passover (Food) (With Science)

Matzah Ball Soup

Bareich

When Messiah Comes Lyrics

Hallel

Les Miselijah

Monty Python Haggadah: Elijah's Cup

Nirtzah

Beyonceder - Next Year in Jerusalem

Monty Python Haggadah: Conclusion

Monty Python Haggadah: Afikomen

Next Year In Jerusalem Meme

Conclusion

Ben & Jerry's Rejected Passover Flavors

Be Our Guest, Elijah

Commentary / Readings

Monty Python Haggadah

Humor and hijinks

Our Favorite Clips

Maggid - Beginning

Maggid (Introduction)

Pour the second glass of wine for everyone. The Haggadah doesn’t tell the story of Passover in a linear fashion. We don...

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Koreich

Schitt's Creek Koreich

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Nirtzah

Sing... Sing a Song

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Maggid - Beginning

Prayer for the People of Ukraine

Contributed byMarilyn West

PrayerUkraine

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Bareich

Ruth's Cup: A New Passover Ritual Celebrating Jewish Diversity

Contributed byBe'chol Lashon

Jews of ColorInclusion

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Maggid - Beginning

The Red Haggadah

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Seinfeld Urchatz - The Yada Yada Haggadah

Comedy Seder

Our Favorite Clips

Maggid (Introduction)

Schitt's Creek Koreich

Sing... Sing a Song

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MAZON: A Jewish Response to Hunger

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Repair the World

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